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Jokes and Puns

Justice

 

Jokes and Puns

 

Population explosion: when people take leave of their census.
     Fred Allen

 

"Why, that chicken has no beak," the man pronounced impeccably.
     Jean Anouilh

 

It's déjà vu all over again.
     Yogi Berra, attributed

 

"If you spray me with defoliant, how do you expect me to leave?"
     Roy Blount, Jr., "How to High-Falute"
     Not Exactly What I Had In Mind (1986)

 

Nothing secedes like success.
     Roy Blount, Jr., Camels Are Easy, Comedy's Hard (1991)
     "Should the South Re-Secede?"

 

In my youth I wanted to be a great pantomimist — but I found I had nothing to say.
     Victor Borge

 

I've always wanted to make an impact on the world. I've also always wanted to go sky diving. I just hope I don't to both at the same time.
     David Brandenburg

 

He was tried in absentia, and hanged in effigy — but I can't find either of them on the map.
     Ashleigh Brilliant

 

There's no harm in talking to yourself, but try to avoid telling yourself jokes you've heard before.
     Ashleigh Brilliant

 

George: Hey! There's a Cyclops!
Paul: Can't be. It's got two eyes.
John: Must be a "bi-cyclops" then.
Ringo: There's another one.
John: A whole "'cyclopedia"!
     Al Brodax, Roger McGough [uncredited], Jack Mendelsohn,
     Lee Minoff, Erich Segal, Yellow Submarine (movie, 1968)

 

"Oh! Frankenstein!"
"Yeah, I used to go out with his sister."
"His sister?"
"Yeah, Phyllis."
     Old Fred and Ringo
     Al Brodax, Roger McGough [uncredited], Jack Mendelsohn,
     Lee Minoff, Erich Segal, Yellow Submarine (movie, 1968)

 

Paul: Look, it's a school of whales.
Ringo: They look a little bit old for school.
Paul: University then.
Ringo: University of whales.
John: They look like drop-outs to me.
     Al Brodax, Roger McGough [uncredited], Jack Mendelsohn,
     Lee Minoff, Erich Segal, Yellow Submarine (movie, 1968)

 

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
     Anthony Burgess, Inside Mr. Enderby (1968)

 

We ought to have a diet salad dressing called "500 Islands." ... See, I'm a visionary. I'm ahead of my time. Trouble is, I'm only about an hour and a half ahead.
     George Carlin, "Parental Advisory:
     Explicit Lyrics" (HBO, 1990)

 

The carousel and Ferris wheel owners traveled in different circles so they rarely made the rounds together.
     George Carlin, Brain Droppings (1997)

 

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
     George Carlin, Brain Droppings (1997)

 

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.
     George Carlin, Brain Droppings (1997)

 

When a ghostwriter dies, how many people come back?
     George Carlin, Brain Droppings (1997)

 

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum known as the Cesarean section.
     George Carlin, Brain Droppings (1997)

 

Sometimes, when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.
     George Carlin, Brain Droppings (1997)

 

When will the rhetorical questions all end?
     George Carlin, Brain Droppings (1997)

 

I went to the Missing Persons' Bureau. No one was there.
     George Carlin, Brain Droppings (1997)

 

Meow means woof in cat.
     George Carlin, Brain Droppings (1997)

 

When blowing out your birthday candles, suppose you wish for one candle to stay lit? Is it possible for your wish to come true?
     George Carlin, Brain Droppings (1997)

 

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
     George Carlin, Brain Droppings (1997)

 

Positive thinking doesn't sound like a very good idea to me. I'm sure it doesn't work. And if it does, it's probably real hard to do.
     George Carlin, Brain Droppings (1997)

 

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO. Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It takes two to tango together, maybe, but one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own.
     George Carlin, Brain Droppings (1997)

 

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

If the police never find it, is it still a clue?
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

Do you ever get that strange feeling of vuja de? Not déjà vu; vuja de. It's the distinct sense that, somehow, something that just happened has never happened before. Nothing seems familiar. And then suddenly the feeling is gone. Vuja de.
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

An art thief is a man who takes pictures.
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

Why do they bother sawing "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

The Bureau of Indian Affairs has announced they have located another Mohican. Accordingly, all the books are being recalled and will be changed to read: The Next to the Last of the Mohicans.
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

It takes two scales to find out how much a scale weighs.
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

Suggestions I ignore: "George, you go out and draw their fire, I'll sneak up on them from behind."
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

You don't hear a lot from imps anymore.
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it's still there? What is that?
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

If a centipede wants to kick another centipede in the shins, does he do it one leg at a time? Or does he stand on fifty of his legs and kick with the other fifty?
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

The Asian country known as Mongolia used to be called Outer Mongolia. And just below the Outer Mongolian border with China there was an autonomous region called Inner Mongolia. And since each of them had its own inner and outer regions, that means that at one time there existed, fairly close to one another, an "outer Inner Mongolia" and an "inner Outer Mongolia." I like that sort of thing. I like picturing the road signs and all the people taking wrong turns.
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

In Los Angeles, there's a hotline for people in denial. So far no one has called.
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

I'm sure looters don't call it looting. They probably think of it as extreme shopping.
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

If your live on the wrong side of the tracks but get up on the right side of the bed, do those things cancel each other out? Probably not.
     George Carlin, Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

 

The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this; but all he said was, 'Why is a raven like a writing-desk?'
     Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (1865)
          [No answer to this riddle is ever given in the book.]

 

     '[N]o wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise' [said the Mock Turtle].
     'Wouldn't it really?' said Alice in a tone of great surprise.
     'Of course not,' said the Mock Turtle: 'why, if a fish came to me, and told me he was going a journey, I should say "With what porpoise?"'
     'Don't you mean "purpose"?' said Alice.
     'I mean what I say,' the Mock Turtle replied in an offended tone.
     Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (1865)

 

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.
     Jean Cocteau, Essai de critique indirecte

 

[Evelle picks up a pack of balloons] "Do these blow into funny shapes and all?"
"Well, no, unless round is funny."
     Ethan Coen and Joel Coen, Raising Arizona (movie, 1987)

 

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
     Ronnie Corbett

 

So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.
    Willy Wonka (Gene Wilder) in Roald Dahl, David Seltzer (uncredited),
        Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
(1971)

 

People always ask me, “Were you funny as a child?” Well, no, I was an accountant.
     Ellen DeGeneres

 

The things my wife buys at auctions are keeping me baroque.
    Peter DeVries

 

In his autobiography (P. 150), Gilbert Chesterton tells how he and his friends once formed a club in London that they called IDK. Whenever anyone asked what the letters stood for, the reply was always "I don't know."
     Martin Gardner, Gardner's Whys and Wherefores (1989)
     "Kickshaws II"

 

The bun, someone said long ago, is the lowest form of wheat.
     Martin Gardner, Gardner's Whys and Wherefores (1989)
     "Kickshaws II"

 

Why is a martini without an olive or lemon twist called a Charles Dickens? No olive or twist.
     Martin Gardner, Gardner's Whys and Wherefores (1989)
     "Kickshaws II"

 

Isn't it horrible that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves?
     Jack Handey "Deep Thoughts"

 

He fell into a vat of pudding mixture and was found battered to death.
     Kenneth Horne

 

Ben Jonson (English dramatist) was asked by a friend to make up a pun.  “Pun what subject?” was his quick reply.  The friend chuckled and said, “Oh, the king.”  Ben replied, “But the king is not a subject; he is the king!”
    Ben Jonson

 

Although Woollcott claimed it was originally his, one of the classic puns attributed to Kaufman dealt with "a cat hospital where they charged $4 a weak purr."
     George S. Kaufman quoted in Robert E. 
     Drennan (ed.), The Algonquin Wits (1985)

 

The penguin joke? Two penguins are standing on an ice floe. The first penguin says, you look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The second penguin says, what makes you think I'm not?
     Garrison Keillor (story and screenplay) and Ken LaZebnik (story),
     A Prairie Home Companion (movie, 2006)

 

[said of Lamb by William Charles Macready] The last breath he drew in he wished might be through a pipe and exhaled through a pun.
     Charles Lamb, "Witches And Other Night-Fears"

 

I don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.
     Groucho Marx, attributed, but no confirmation (1933)
     cf. Ralph Keyes, "Nice Guys Finish Last Seventh" (1992)

 

“Now here is a little peninsula and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.”
“Why a duck?”
    Hammer (Groucho Marx) and Chico (Chico Marx),
        The Marx Brothers, The Cocoanuts (movie, 1929)

 

"Friends, I am going to tell you of that great, mysterious, wonderful continent known as Africa. Africa is God’s country and he can have it. Well, sir, we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat, we finally arrived on the shores of Africa. We at once proceeded three hundred miles into the heart of the jungle, where I shot a polar bear. This bear was six foot seven in his stocking feet and had shoes on at the time —"
     "Pardon me just a moment, Captain, just a moment. I always thought polar bears lived in the frozen North."
     "Oh, you did? Well this bear was anemic, and he couldn’t stand the cold climate. He was a rich bear and he could afford to go away in the winter. You take care of your animals and I’ll take care of mine. [Aside] Frozen North, my eye. [Back to the lecture]  From the day of our arrival we led an active life. The first morning saw us up at six, breakfasted and back in bed at seven. This was our routine for the first three months. We finally got so we were back in bed at six-thirty.  One morning I was sitting in front of the cabin smoking some meat, when —"
     "Smoking some meat?"
     "Yes, there wasn’t a cigar store in the neighborhood.  As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers. ... I bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon.  They were the most persistent tigers I’ve ever seen.  The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elks, and Knights of Pythias.  Of course, you all know what a moose is.  That’s big game.  The first day I shot two bucks — that was the biggest game we had.  As I say, you all know what a moose is. A moose runs around on the floor, eats cheese, and is chased by the cats. The elks, on the other hand, live up in the hills and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come down to the water-hole. And you should see them run when they find that it’s only a water hole. What they’re looking for is an “elk-a-hole.”  One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. . . . But they were embedded so firmly we couldn’t budge them. Of course in Alabama, the Tuscaloosa. But that’s entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren’t developed. But we’re going back again in a couple of weeks."
          Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding (Groucho Marx) and Mrs. Rittehnouse (Margaret Dumont),
          The Marx Brothers, Animal Crackers (movie, 1930)

 

I hate a dirty joke, I do . . . unless it’s told by someone who knows how to tell it.
    Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding (Groucho Marx),
        The Marx Brothers, Animal Crackers (movie, 1930)

 

     "Tell me, Captain Spaulding, you’ve been quite a traveler.  What do you think about South America?  I’m going there soon, you know."
     "Is that so?  Where are you going?"
     "Uruguay."
     "Well, you go Uruguay, and I’ll go mine."
         Roscoe W. Chandler (Louis Sorin) and Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding (Groucho Marx),
        The Marx Brothers, Animal Crackers (movie, 1930)

 

"You call this a barn?  This looks like a stable."
"Well, if you look at it, it’s a barn. If you smell it, it’s a stable."
"Well, let’s just look at it."
    Chico (Chico Marx) and Groucho (Groucho Marx),
        The Marx Brothers, Monkey Business (movie, 1931)

 

I know, heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns.
    Groucho (Groucho Marx), The Marx Brothers, Monkey Business (movie, 1931)

 

"Who was that?"
"The ice man."
"Is that so? Well, you can’t pull the wool over my ice.  That ice man stuff leaves me cold."
    Professor Wagstaff (Groucho Marx) and Connie Bailey (Thelma Todd),
        The Marx Brothers, Horse Feathers (movie, 1932)

 

"This is a gala day for you."
"Well, a gal a day is enough for me; I don't think I could handle any more."
     Mrs. Teasdale (Margaret Dumont) and Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho Marx)
     in The Marx Brothers, Duck Soup (movie, 1933)

 

“It’s all right, tha-that’s in every contract. Tha-that’s what they call a sanity clause.”
“You can’t fool me. There ain’t no Sanity Clause.”
    Otis B. Driftwood (Groucho Marx) and Fiorello (Chico Marx),
        The Marx Brothers, A Night at the Opera (movie, 1935)

 

“I shall be in the Supper Club.”
“The Supper Club?”
“Yes. Will you join me?”
“Why? Are you coming apart?”
    Beatrice Rheiner (Lisette Verea) and Ronald Kornblow (Groucho Marx),
        The Marx Brothers, A Night in Casablanca (movie, 1946)

 

I'm reminded of a story, you've probably heard it. The king and queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs. Their son Jack remarked how strange it was that they only had two hearts between them. And just then his sister Little Deucy and her dog Tre started singing "Four Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend," whereupon the whole family beat her to death and buried her with two spades.
     Hawkeye (Alan Alda), "Rally Round the Flagg, Boys"
     M*A*S*H (TV series, CBS, 1972-1983)

 

     "Take your seat, Pierce."
     "Uh uh. Sorry. I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the A-Train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take five."
          Col. Potter (Harry Morgan) and Hawkeye
               (Alan Alda), "Goodbye Farewell, Amen"
          M*A*S*H (TV series, CBS, 1972-1983)

 

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
     Louis B. Mayer

 

Never point a pun at a friend. It might be loaded. Besides, you might kill a pun pal.
     Scot Morris, quoted in Richard Lederer, Get Thee To a Punnery (1988)

 

Bad spelling can be lethal. For example, the greedy seraph of Al-Ybi was once curse by a badly-educated deity and for some days everything he touched turned to Glod, which happened to be the name of a small dwarf from a mountain community hundreds of miles away who found himself magically dragged to the kingdom and relentlessly duplicated. Some two thousand Glods later the spell wore off. These days, the people of Al-Ybi are renowned for being unusually short and bad-tempered.
     Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad (1991)

 

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
     Nigel Rees

 

Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb. Most of it's up, until you reach the very, very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply.
     Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969-1974)

 

I was in a convenience store. Somebody had blown a hole through every one of the Cheerios. It wasn't hard to figure who it was — a cereal killer.
     Tommy Sledge

 

WESLEY: Say goodbye, Data.
DATA: Goodbye, Data. (The bridge crew laughs.) Was that funny? Accessing. Ah. Burns and Allen, Roxy Theatre, New York City, 1932. It still works. Then there was the one about the girl in the nudist colony that nothing looked good on.
WORF: We're ready to get under way, sir.
DATA: Take my Worf, please.
     "The Outrageous Okona"
     STAR TREK:  The Next Generation

 

"Let me introduce you to a new human expression. We're going to beard the lion in its den."
"Lions and Geigers and bears . . ."
"Oh, my."
     Jake and Nog, "In the Cards"
     STAR TREK:  Deep Space Nine

 

"I have a sense of humor. On the Enterprise, I was considered to be quite amusing."
"That must have been one dull ship."
"That is a joke! I get it! It is not funny, but I get it."
     Worf and Dax, "Change of Heart"
     STAR TREK:  Deep Space Nine

 

If it wasn't for half the people in the world, the other half would be all of them.
     Colonel Lemuel Stoopnagle

 

On this site I am going to build a forty-story building to house nothing but eye doctors and opticians. It will be a site for sore eyes.
     Colonel Lemuel Stoopnagle

 

My art belongs to Dada ...
     Tom Stoppard, Travesties (1975)

 

Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
     Bob Thaves, "Frank and Ernest" (comic strip)

 

I love puns so much that my wife made a sign I hand over my desk: CAUTION! INCORRIGIBLE PUNSTER. PLEASE DON’T INCORRIGE.
     Bob Trowbridge, quoted in Richard Lederer, Get Thee To a Punnery (1988)

 

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
     Mark Twain, attributed

 

The starting point of this lecturing-trip around the world was Paris, where we had been living a year or two. We sailed for America, and there made certain preparations. This took but little time. Two members of my family elected to go with me. Also a carbuncle. The dictionary says a carbuncle is a kind of jewel. Humor is out of place in a dictionary.
     Mark Twain, Following the Equator (1897)

 

A man receives a telegram telling him that his mother-in-law is dead and asking, "Shall we embalm, bury or cremate her?" He wires back, "If these fail, try dissection." Now, the unconscious humor of this was that he thought they'd try all of the three means suggested, anyway.
     Mark Twain, "Humor" (speech, 1901)

 

Since England and America have been joined in Kipling, may they not be severed in Twain.
     Mark Twain, "Booksellers" (speech, May 20, 1908)

 

One day he [Anson Burlingame] delighted me with a joke which I afterward used in a lecture in San Francisco, and from there it traveled all around in the newspapers. He said, "If a man compel thee to go with him a mile, go with him Twain." When it was new, it seemed exceedingly happy and bright, but it has been emptied upon me upward of several million times since — never by a witty and engaging lad like Burlingame, but always by chuckle-heads of base degree, who did it with offensive eagerness and with the conviction that they were the first in the field. And so it has finally lost its sparkle and bravery, and is become to me a seedy and repulsive tramp whose proper place is in the hospital for the decayed, the friendless, and the forlorn.
     Mark Twain, Albert Bigelow Paine (ed.), 
     Mark Twain's Autobiography (1924)

 

And if the surf hath lost its savor, wherewith shall we be surfeited?
     E. B. White, "A Report in January" (1958)

 

Carpe per diem: seize the check.
     Robin Williams

 

Asked by Helen Hayes and Charles MacArthur to be godfather at the baptism of their daughter Mary, Woollcott sighed, "Always a godfather, never a god."
     Alexander Woollcott, quoted in Jon Winokur (ed.), 
     The Portable Curmudgeon (1987, 1992)

 

Those who live by the word shall perish by the word.
     Alexander Woollcott, quoted in Robert E. 
     Drennan (ed.), The Algonquin Wits (1985)

 

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
     Steven Wright

 

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
     Steven Wright

 

Are there any questions?
     Steven Wright

 

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
     Steven Wright

 

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
     Steven Wright

 

Ever try to Scotch-gard a sponge?
     Steven Wright

 

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
     Steven Wright

 

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
     Steven Wright

 

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
     Steven Wright

 

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
     Steven Wright

 

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.
     Steven Wright

 

I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
     Steven Wright

 

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
     Steven Wright

 

I have a map of the United States . . . actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
     Steven Wright

 

I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
     Steven Wright

 

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
     Steven Wright

 

I like to tease my plants. I water them with ice cubes.
     Steven Wright

 

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
     Steven Wright

 

I took a baby shower.
     Steven Wright

 

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
     Steven Wright

 

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't. My arm kept moving.
     Steven Wright

 

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
     Steven Wright

 

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
     Steven Wright

 

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller.
     Steven Wright

 

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
     Steven Wright

 

I was born by Caesarian section, but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
     Steven Wright

 

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.
     Steven Wright

 

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
     Steven Wright

 

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
     Steven Wright

 

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "Pet Supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "Compact Cars."
     Steven Wright

 

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman."
     Steven Wright

 

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it.
     Steven Wright

 

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
     Steven Wright

 

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
     Steven Wright

 

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
     Steven Wright

 

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
     Steven Wright

 

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2 x 4 and a box of 3 x 5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
     Steven Wright

 

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
     Steven Wright

 

If we are a country committed to free speech, then why do we have phone bills?
     Steven Wright

 

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
     Steven Wright

 

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
     Steven Wright

 

If you shoot a mime should you use a silencer?
     Steven Wright

 

I went down to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes. When I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up full blast. I was walking around my house when I heard a knock on my door. It was my neighbor complaining about the noise. He's a mime. I used a silencer.
     Steven Wright

 

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?
     Steven Wright

 

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
     Steven Wright

 

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
     Steven Wright

 

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
     Steven Wright

 

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
     Steven Wright

 

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
     Steven Wright

 

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
     Steven Wright

 

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
     Steven Wright

 

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
     Steven Wright

 

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "The whole time."
     Steven Wright

 

My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head. I hope it's not hereditary.
     Steven Wright

 

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
     Steven Wright

 

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
     Steven Wright

 

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
     Steven Wright

 

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
     Steven Wright

 

What do batteries run on?
     Steven Wright

 

What's another word for Thesaurus?
     Steven Wright

 

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
     Steven Wright

 

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
     Steven Wright

 

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
     Steven Wright

 

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
     Steven Wright

 

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second, you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
     Steven Wright

 

 

Justice

 

Injustice, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.
     Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

 

Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.
     Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

 

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
     Lenny Bruce

 

Without justice, courage is weak.
     Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanac

 

Get out of the way of Justice. She is blind.
     Stanislaw Lec, More Unkempt Thoughts (1968)

 

      "No matter what anybody says to you, don't you let 'em get your goat. Try fighting with your head for a change ... it's a good one, even if it does resist learning."
     "Atticus, are we going to win it?"
     "No, honey."
     "Then why —"
     "Simply because we were licked a hundred years before we started is no reason for us not to try to win."
          Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird (1960)

 

Janning, to be sure, is a tragic figure. We believe he loathed the evil he did. But compassion for the present torture of his soul must not beget forgetfulness of the torture and death of millions by the government of which he was a part. Janning's record and his fate illuminate the most shattering truth that has emerged from this trial. If he and the other defendants were all depraved perverts — if the leaders of the Third Reich were sadistic monsters and maniacs — these events would have no more moral significance than an earthquake or other natural catastrophes. But this trial has shown that under the stress of a national crisis, men — even able and extraordinary men — can delude themselves into the commission of crimes and atrocities so vast and heinous as to stagger the imagination. No one who has sat through this trial can ever forget. The sterilization of men because of their political beliefs, the murder of children — how easily that can happen. There are those in our country today, too, who speak of the protection of the country — of survival. The answer to that is: survival as what? A country isn't a rock. And it isn't an extension of one's self. It's what it stands for, when standing for something is the most difficult. Before the people of the world — let it now be noted in our decision here that this is what we stand for: justice, truth, and the value of a single human being.
     Abby Mann, Judgment at Nuremberg (movie, 1961)

 

     "Judge Haywood, the reason I asked you to come. Those people, those millions of people . . . I never knew it would come to that. You must believe it, you must believe it."
     "Herr Janning, it came to that the first time you sentenced a man to death you knew to be innocent."
          Abby Mann, Judgment at Nuremberg (movie, 1961)

 

Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what stings is justice.
     H. L. Mencken, Prejudices: Third Series (1917)

 

Mankind censure injustice, fearing that they may be the victims of it and not because they shrink from committing it.
     Plato, The Republic (c. 400 B.C.)

 

The villagers had said justice had been done, and she’d [Granny Weatherwax] lost patience and told them to go home, then, and pray to whatever gods they believed in that it was never done to them.  The smug mask of virtue triumphant could be almost as horrible as the face of wickedness revealed.
    Terry Pratchett, Carpe Jugulum (1998)

 

“There’s no grays, only white that’s got grubby.  I’m surprised you don’t know that.  And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things.  Including yourself.  That’s what sin is.” [said Granny Weatherwax]
    “It’s a lot more complicated than that —” [said Oats].
    “No.  It ain’t.  When people say things are a lot more complicated than that, they means they’re getting worried that they won’t like the truth.  People as things, that’s where it starts.” ...
         Terry Pratchett, Carpe Jugulum (1998)

 

Love of justice, in most men, is only a fear of encountering injustice.
     François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld,
     The Maxims (translated by Louis Kronenberger, 1936)

 

There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
     George Bernard Shaw

 

... the question of justice has concerned me greatly of late. And I say to any creature who may be listening there can be no justice so long as laws are absolute. Even life itself is an exercise in exceptions.
     Captain Picard, "Justice"
     STAR TREK:  The Next Generation