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Really Cheap Thoughts

 

Animal Behavior

 

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me — they must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me — I must be a God!

 

A farmer is milking his cow and as he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cow's ear. And a little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer says, "Hmph. In one ear, out the udder."

 

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

 

A man was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet, so he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box for a house.
     He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer. So he asked the centipede, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"
     But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
     But again, there was no answer. In exasperation, he shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"
     A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

A traveling salesman is walking down a country road, and passes a farm. In the middle of the field he sees a farmer, standing under an apple tree. The farmer holds a pig in his arms. The salesman stops and watches as the farmer walks around the tree with the pig, and holds it up so that the pig can eat an apple right off of a tree branch. Amazed, the salesman sees the farmer lift the pig so that it can eat about four apples in this manner.
     "Mr. Farmer," yells the salesman, "wouldn't it take a lot less time if you just put the pig on the ground, and let him eat the apples that have fallen off of the tree?"
     The farmer pauses in his work, turns to the salesman and says, "Well, maybe, but really, what's time to a pig?"

 

A veterinarian and a taxidermist went into partnership recently. Their motto is: "You get your dog back one way or the other."

 

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovered that he was lost.
     So, wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
     Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
     Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror came over him, and slunk away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
     Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went.
     But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard.
     The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
     Now the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thought, "What am I going to do now?"
     But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet… and just when they got close enough to hear, the dachshund said,
     "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

 

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

 

An elephant was walking through the jungle when he saw a turtle sitting on a log. And he said, "Hey, you're the same turtle who bit me 45 years ago." And he kicked the turtle and it flew a hundred feet and bounced off a tree and into the river. And the giraffe said, "Wow, you've got quite a memory," and the elephant said, "I have turtle recall."

 

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat Puff, and a fairy appears and says, "I'm here to give you three wishes." The old woman says, "I wish I were 21 years old and beautiful again." Poof! She is. "Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house were a mansion." Poof! Done. "And now, I wish that Puff were the handsomest man in the world and deeply in love with me." Poof! Suddenly she's in the arms of the handsomest man in the world. He kisses her and says, "Darling, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"

 

Cheetahs are the world's fastest land animal. However, since they are never raced, cheetahs can never win.

 

Did you hear about the skunk who went to church? He had his own pew!

 

Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles? He went to the police and they asked him, "Did you get a good look at the turtles who did this?" He said, "No, it all happened so fast."

 

Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.

 

Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

 

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your bed? By the wrinkled sheets and smell of peanuts.

 

How can you tell if there has been an elephant in your refrigerator? Footprints in the butter.

 

How can you tell if there's an elephant in bed with you? By the "E" on his pajama pocket.

 

How did the mouse feel after the cat chased it through a screen door? Strained.

 

How do elephants get down from trees? They sit on a leaf and wait for Autumn. Why are crocodiles long, thin and flat? They walk under trees in Autumn.

 

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way.

 

How do you get an elephant into a matchbox? Take out all the matches first.

 

How do you get down from an elephant? You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a goose.

 

"I was driving to work the other day when I ran into a pig and I was in a hurry so I drove straight to the office and there was a cop waiting for me and he arrested me for leaving the scene of an accident." "How did they find you?" "I guess the pig squealed."

 

I went to a petrified forest and all the animals were afraid of me.

 

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

 

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 

If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

 

Lost in the woods, a hiker spends two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle, hits the bird with a big rock and eats it.
     A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the man for killing an endangered species.
     In court, the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.
     "Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge. "But I have to ask — what did the eagle taste like?"
     "Well, Your Honor," the hiker replies, "it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

 

One day this guy answers his door and there's a snail at his doorstep. So the guy picks up the snail and tosses it into the garden. Two years later, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and it's the same snail. And the snail says, "Hey what was that all about?"

 

So a bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer . . . . . . . . . . . and a packet of peanuts. The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

 

So the baby snake says to the mommy snake, "Mommy, are we poisonous?" And the mommy snake says, "Why do you ask?" And the baby snake says, "Because I just bit my tongue."

 

So this duck walks into a drug store and he says, "Gimme some Chapstick and put it on my bill."

 

The best part about owning a restaurant for cats is that your customers don't complain when they get hair in their food.

 

The moving cat sheds, and having shed, moves on.

 

The state trooper was driving down the highway when he saw a truck driver pull over, walk to the side of his truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of truck several times, then drive away. Two miles down the road he did the same thing. Another two miles, same thing. The trooper pulled the truck over and asked him to explain. And the driver. "The load limit is ten tons, and I'm carrying fifteen tons of parakeets so I've got to keep some of them flying around."

 

There once was a tolerant cow who stood for absolutely everything her favorite bull tried to get away with. She reasoned "To err is human, to forgive is bovine." Obviously this cow needed analysis badly, she had a fodder complex though everything her therapist told her went in one ear and out the udder. Furthermore, she loved to drink ink, and mooed indigo.

 

There was a nearsighted whale that followed the submarine, and every time it shot a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.

 

These vultures decided to fly to Florida on an airline and they got on board carrying six dead raccoons and the flight attendant said, "I'm sorry but there's a limit of two carrion per passenger."

 

This international law firm advertises for a secretary, and a golden retriever comes in and she passes the typing test and in the interview, the personnel manager says, "But how about foreign languages?" and the golden retriever says, "Meow."

 

This man buys a pet parrot and he brings him home and the parrot starts cursing him and using terrible language and insults his wife and finally the man picks up the parrot and throws him in the freezer to teach him a lesson. He can hear the parrot squawking and screaming in there, and then all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. And the man opens the freezer door and the parrot walks out and the parrot looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you and I humbly ask your forgiveness." The man says, "Well thank you, I forgive you." And the parrot says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

 

Two bees ran into each other one day. And one asks, "How's everything going?" "Terrible. Too much rain. No flowers or pollen." "Here's what you do. Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit. But here. Put this yarmulke on your head. You don't want them to think you're a wasp."

 

Two Canadian hikers were startled to find a grizzly bear coming up fast behind them. They immediately started to run, the bear in hot pursuit. Suddenly, one of them stopped, searched frantically in his haversack and pulled out his running shoes. "You surely don't think that will help you to outrun the bear," panted his astonished companion. "No. But it will help me to outrun you."

 

Two cows were lying in a field. One of them says to the other, "So, what do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other says, "What do I care. I'm a helicopter."

 

Two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other: "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo." The other penguin says: "What makes you so sure I'm not?"

 

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they couldn't eat any more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... "I just love baskin' robins."

 

What did the Bee say to the flower? Hey Bud, when do you open?

 

What did the monkey say when he got his tail caught in the lawnmower? It won't be long now.

 

What did the snail say when it crawled on the turtle's back? Whheeeeeeee!!

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No ideer.

 

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway.

 

What do you call a fish you makes you an offer you can’t refuse? The codfather.

 

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that rips your leg off then goes for help.

 

What has four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler.

 

What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His butt.

 

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.69 and deer nuts are under a buck.

 

When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.

 

Why are fish afraid of computers? Because of the Internet.

 

Why can't you have two elephants in your swimming pool at the same time? Because they'd only have one pair of trunks.

 

Why couldn't the pony talk? He was a little hoarse.

 

Why did the beetle jump over the cliff? It was trying to commit insecticide.

 

Why did the elephant hate to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.

 

Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk.

 

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

 

"Why do elephants paint their toenails red?" "So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?" "No." "See, it works!"

 

Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they can't remember the words.

 

Why do leeches make good pets? Because they're easy to become attached to.

 

Why does an anteater never get sick? Because its stomach is full of antibodies.

 

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it? Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

 

What do you call a cow that can give no milk? An udder failure.

 

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

 

What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef.

 

Why can't a dog polka? Two left feet.

 

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out burning ducks.

 

Why do elephants paint themselves yellow? So they can hide up banana palms disguised as bananas.
How did Tarzan die? A banana fell on him.

 

 

A Short Quiz

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
(That question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.)

 

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Incorrect: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the door.
Correct: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door.
(That question tests your foresight.)

 

The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which one does not attend?
The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
(That question tests your ability to think comprehensively.)

 

You are walking through the jungle and you come to a crocodile-infested river. How do you cross it?
Simply swim across. All of the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
(That question tests your reasoning ability.)