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Computer Jokes
Delete File? (Y/N)


A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.


Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.


Artificial intelligence will never be a match for natural stupidity.


As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.


As they say in the software industry, "Quality is job 1.1."


At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.


Bill Gates and the president of GM were attending a Q and A session during a business seminar. In answering a question from the audience, Gates boasted about the innovations his company had made. "If GM had kept up with technology the way the computer industry has," Gates concluded, "we'd be driving $25 cars that get 1000 miles per gallon." "Yes, I suppose that's true," the GM executive agreed. "But would you really want your car to crash twice a day?"


Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.


Computer Lie #2: That's more RAM than I'll ever need.


Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.


"Daddy, what does 'Formatting Drive C:' mean?"


"Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?"


Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.


Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.




Have cursor, will curse.


How do I set a laser printer to stun?


If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.


If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.


Life would be easier if I had the source code.


My software never has bugs, it just develops random features.




Nothing is 100% certain, bug free, or IBM compatible.


Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.


Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.


Programming is an art form that fights back.


The best part about computers is that they make very fast accurate mistakes.


There was once a young man who wanted to become a great writer and to write stuff that millions of people would read and react to on an emotional level, cry, howl in pain and anger, so now he works for Microsoft, writing error messages.


This guy was walking home when he saw that Metro #73 bus had crashed into a pole. Right after he walked past it, the driver's window opened and a mostly-eaten apple sailed out of it. He was wondering what was going on when he noticed a message scrolling across the green dot-matrix display that usually shows the route number and destination: bus error (core dumped)


What drove the 39 members of Heaven's Gate to suicide? You put that many people together, force them to work in Windows 95, and it's bound to happen. (I heard some of them were UNIX programmers.)


You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.


Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?



Computer Proverbs

A chat has nine lives.


A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.


A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.


A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.


Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!


C:\ is the root of all directories.


Don't byte off more than you can view.


He who laughs last probably made a backup.


Home is where you hang your @


If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.


If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.


If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?


Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.


The geek shall inherit the earth.


There's no place like


Those who can't write, write manuals.


What boots up must come down.


Unix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who it's friends are.


You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.



Daffy Definitions

Aginhate, n. A page break automatically generated just before the very last line.


Alpha, n.  Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."


Beta, n.  Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."


Dancing Baloney, n. Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."


Ego Surfing, n. Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.


Ethernet, n. Something used to catch the etherbunny.


Internot, n. A busy signal from your Internet Service Provider (ISP).


Keyboard Plaque, n. The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.


MACINTOSH, n. An aconym for Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs.


Mission-cryptical, adj. The application is important, but no one has a clue what it does.


Modem, n. What landscapers do to dem lawns.


Mouse Potato, n. The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.


Next assailable representative, n. The person you talk to after being on hold.


Node, n. Was aware of.


Obsolete, adj. A feature built into all technology. It activates itself shortly after you open the box.


PEBCAK, n. Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system."


Percussive Maintenance, n. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.


Point-and-croak, n. The last operation before the PC crashes.


Program, n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.


Program, v.t., To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.


Reference Manual, n. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for short table legs.


Square-headed Girlfriend/Boyfriend, n. Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."


Squirt the Bird, n. To transmit a signal to a satellite.


Treeware, n. Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.


Upgrade, v. The act of removing old bugs from a program or operating system so that new ones can be installed.


Voice reclognition, n. Speaking too fast for the installed talk-and-type software.


Vulcan Nerve Pinch, n. The taxing Ctrl-Alt-Del hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for rebooting a computer.


Windows 95, n. Thirty-two bit extensions and a graphical shell for a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor, written by a two-bit company, that can't stand one bit of competition.


Windows, n. Just another pane in the glass.


Worst-case Scenoreo, n. A three-year-old sticks a creme-filled cookie in the disk drive.



Error Messages

(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (V)alium?


(A)bort, (R)etry,(I)nfluence with large hammer.


Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic


Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?


BREAKFAST.COM Halted. Cereal Port Not Responding .


Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.


Corrupt REALITY.SYS: Reboot Universe (Y/N)?


DOS never says "Excellent command or filename, Dude!"


File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)


Pound forehead on keyboard to continue.


Press any key . . . NO, NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE!!!!!!


Press any key to continue or any other key to quit


Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)



Lightbulb Jokes

How many Apple Newtons does it take to change a light bulb? Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.


How many developers does it take to change a light bulb? The light bulb works fine on the system in my office.


How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a software problem. (or) None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.


How many IBM engineers does it take to change a burnt light bulb? None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers.


How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and one to brag about how much easier it is than changing it with Windows. (or) Two. One to change the bulb, and one to complain that Microsoft copied their bulb-changing interface.


How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Bill Gates will just redefine DarknessTM as the new industry standard.


How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? Eight. One to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a hardware problem. (or) Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.


How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he'll swear up and down that it was just as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.




Top ten ways that life would be different if Apple built cars:

10. Cars would be priced higher than they are worth and come from a single source just like they do now. But Apple would continuously advertise that buying one of their cars is an escape from that kind of old-style paradigm.

9. Apple would be continually lobbying the government to subsidize the donation of cars to schools for driver education.

8. Cars would need excessive horsepower to operate more than one accessory at a time.

7. Many accessories would operate differently but owners would ignore this and boast to their friends that all of their accessories have an identical look and feel.

6. Help regarding the operation of their accessories would be only marginally better than those who drove UNIX cars but the owners would boast that this is of no concern because all of their accessories have an identical look and feel.

5. Owners manuals would be very small. Maintenance manuals, needed to add an accessory yourself, would come in seven large volumes.

4. Owners would make fun of how complex it is to add an accessory on other cars. Owners would not have a clue just how difficult it was for them to add an accessory to their own car themselves. Very few owners of Apple cars would add their own accessories.

3. Periodically a little picture of a bomb would appear on the dashboard and the car would come to a stop. Loyal owners would rarely, if ever, admit this and would convince themselves that this sort of thing happens to owners of other cars all the time.

2. People who could never drive before would begin driving, join auto clubs, tell everyone else how to drive, and generally become insufferable bores.

And the number one way life would be different if Apple built cars...

1. Using the fruits of a larger company's focused research and development effort cars would be introduced that were 10 years ahead of their time. After release, they wouldn't change for over 10 years.



Top ten ways that life would be different if Microsoft built cars:

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same size butt.

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas™.

8. The U.S. Government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.

7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Protection Car Fault" warning light.

6. Sun Motor systems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but would only run on 5% of the roads.

5. You would constantly be pressured to upgrade your car.

4. You could only have one person in your car at a time, unless you bought Car '95 or Car NT; but then, you'd have to buy more seats.

3. Occasionally, your car would just die for no reason, and you would have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this as normal.

2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.

And the number one way that life would be different if Microsoft built cars,

1. People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.



You might be a geek if ...
... your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
... you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife".
... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can name six Star Trek episodes.
... your spouse sends you an e-mail to call you to dinner.
... your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
... you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
... you use a CAD package to design your son's Pinewood Derby car.
... you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
... it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
... you window shop at Radio Shack.
... your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest science-fiction movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
... you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
... you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
... you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
... you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
... you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
... you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
... you own "Official Star Trek" anything.
... you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
... a team of you and your coworkers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
... you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
... you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
... you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
... you have never backed-up your hard drive.
... you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
... you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is".
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
... you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
... the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
... you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are.
... you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
... you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
... you have more toys than your kids.
... you need a checklist to turn on the TV.
... you have ever introduced your kids by the wrong name.
... you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
... your I.Q. is a higher number than your weight.
... the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it.
... you can remember the passwords for seven different computers but not your wedding anniversary.
... you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
... you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
... your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
... you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use.
... you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
... at parties, people groan when you pick out the music.
... you can't remember where you parked your car for the third time this week.
... you ran the sound system for your senior prom.
... your checkbook always balances.
... your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers.
... you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
... you spend more on your home computer than your car.
... you know what http stands for.
... you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
... you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
... your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
... your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate.
... your nutritional pyramid is made of empty Jolt cans.
... you wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
... you get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 3.0 or higher."
... you name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
... you turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
... you spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
... you decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
... you start using smileys in your snail mail.
... you pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number.
... you try to hum to communicate with a modem. You succeed.
... the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.



Spell Check

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Author unknown



The Pentium Bug

OK, these jokes are seriously out of date, since Intel fixed this problem a long time ago, but at the time, these were hilarious.

I am Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. Your spreadsheets, as they have been, are over. From this time forward, you will be incorrectly approximated.


I heard that Intel lost one of its divisions today.


New Mottos for Intel:
United we stand. Divided we fall!
     At Intel, Quality is Job 0.99999998!!
     At Intel, Quality is just a word we like to use a lot!
     Intel: Where Quality comes before Schedule ... only in the dictionary!


PENTIUM: Practically Everyone Now Thinks It's Useless for Math


What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? Successive approximations. or A random number generator. or A really expensive space heater.


What does the element Pentium decay into? Inert silicon with the emission of a press release.


Why is a Pentium user like Cleopatra? They both get killed by their adders.


The top ten reasons to buy a Pentium machine:
10. Your current computer is too accurate.
9. You want to get into the Guinness book as "Owner of Most Expensive Paperweight".
8. Math errors add zest to life.
7. You need an alibi for the IRS.
6. You want to see what all the fuss is about.
5. You've always wondered what it would be like to be a plaintiff.
4. The "Intel Inside" logo matches your decor perfectly.
3. You no longer have to worry about CPU overheating.
2. You got a great deal from JPL.
1. It'll probably work.


Top ten new Intel slogans for the Pentium:
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC — and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside