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Really Cheap Thoughts

 

Daffy Definitions

 

Abdicake, v. To give up the last piece of cake to someone else.

 

Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 

Adult, n. A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

 

Alarms, n.  What an octopus is.

 

Alimony, n.  The bounty of mutiny.

 

Arachnoleptic fit, n. The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

 

Arbitrator, n. A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

 

Archeologist, n.  A man whose career lies in ruins.

 

Atheist, n.  A person with no invisible means of support.

 

Avoidable, v. What a bullfighter tries to do.

 

Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

 

Beauty Parlor, n. A place where women curl up and dye.

 

Beelzebug, n. Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

Bernadette, v. The act of torching a mortgage.

 

Bozone, n. The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 

Burglarize, n. What a crook sees with.

 

Carcinoma, n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

 

Cashtration, n. The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

 

Caterpallor, n. The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

 

Chickens, n. The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

 

Circular Definition, n. see Definition, Circular.

 

Coffee, n. A person who is coughed upon.

 

Counterfeiters, n. Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

 

Counterstink, n. An odor used to mask another odor.

 

Decaflon, n. The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

 

Deja Moo, n. The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

Depotphobia, n. Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.

 

Destinesia, n. A condition in which one enters a room and forgets what they came for.

 

Diplomacy, n.  Lying in state.

 

Diplomat, n.  One who is disarming, even if his country isn’t.

 

Dockyard, n.  A physician’s garden.

 

Doggage, n. A dog that is carried like or handled like baggage.

 

Dope-ler effect, n. The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter if they come at you rapidly.

 

Dust, n. Mud with the juice squeezed out.

 

Eclipse, v. What an English barber does for a living.

 

Egotist, n. Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

 

Esgrapee, n. The lone grape that falls onto the floor and rolls to the most inaccessible location.

 

Extraterrestaurant, n. An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E.T.-ry.

 

Eyedropper, n. A clumsy ophthalmologist.

 

Fakeuccino, n. Gas station or convenient store, machine made cappuccinos and lattes.

 

Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled at how much weight you have gained.

 

Flattery, n.  Phony express.

 

Flexitarian, n. A vegetarian who occasionally eats non-vegetarian fare.

 

Garage Mahal, n. An extremely large house whose primary distinguishing characteristic is an oversized 3 or 4 (or more) car garage to house the SUV's, RV's, and other family vehicles.

 

Gargoyle, n. An olive-flavored mouthwash.

 

Generica, n. Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

 

Gesundtime, n. The time between the moment you realize you are going to sneeze and the actual sneeze.

 

Giraffiti, n. Vandalism spray-painted very high.

 

Gossip, n. A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

 

Grantartica, n. The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

 

Handkerchief, n. Cold storage.

 

Heroes, n. What a guy in a boat does.

 

Honeymoon, n. The time between "I do" and "You'd better."

 

Ignoranus, n. A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

 

Impasta, n. When the waiter brings you a type of pasta that you did not order.

 

Income Tax, n.  Capital punishment.

 

Incongruous, n.  Where bills are passed.

 

Inflation, n. Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

 

Inoculatte, v.t. To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 

Intaxication, n. Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to begin with.

 

Irritainment, n. Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

 

Khakis, n.  What you need to start the car in Boston.

 

Kleptomaniac, n.  One who can’t help himself from helping himself.

 

Laughing stock, n. Cattle with a sense of humor.

 

Lottery, n. A tax on people who are bad at math.

 

Lullabuoy, n. An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

 

Middle age, n.  When actions creak louder than words.

 

Misty, n. How golfers create divots.

 

Molassochist, n. One who derives pleasure from making processes painfully slow.

 

Mosquito, n. An insect that makes you like flies better.

 

Negligent, adj. Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

 

Oboe, n.  An English tramp.

 

Ohnosecond, n. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.

 

Olympic Officials, n.  The souls that time men’s tries.

 

Osteopornosis, n. A degenerate disease.

 

Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his or her conversation with Yiddish expressions.

 

Paradox, n. Two physicians.

 

Parasites, n. What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

 

Pasteurize, adv.  Too far to see.

 

Pedestracebo, n. A button placed at a crosswalk, that a pedestrian is instructed to push to make a traffic signal change so that they might cross the street, but that in fact, does nothing at all.

 

Pharmacist, n. A helper on the farm.

 

Phonesia, n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

 

Polarize, n. What penguins see with.

 

Primate, n. Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

 

Propaganda, n.  A gentlemanly goose.

 

Psychiatry, n. The care of the id by the odd.

 

Psychologist, n.  A person that pulls habits out of rats.

 

Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before s/he examines you.

 

Recursive, adj. see Recursive.

 

Reintarnation, n. Coming back to life as a hillbilly. [Whut in 'tarnation ur they tawkin' about?]

 

Relief, n. What trees do in the spring.

 

Rubberneck, n. What you do to relax your wife.

 

Sarchasm, n. The gulf between between the writer of sarcasm and the reader who doesn't get it.

 

Saxophone, n.  An ill wind nobody blows good.

 

Secret, n. Something you tell to one person at a time.

 

Selfish, v. What the owner of a seafood store does.

 

Semantics, n. Pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

 

Shrevidence, n. Paper documents that have been mechanically shredded to prevent their use as evidence.

 

SITCOMs, n. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

 

Skier, n. One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

 

Starter Marriage, n. A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

 

Stress Puppy, n. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

 

Subdued, n. Like a guy, who, like works on one of those, like, submarines, man!

 

Sudafed, v. Brought litigation against a government official.

 

Swiped Out, n. An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

 

Tablet, n. A small table.

 

Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

 

Thesaurus, n. An ancient, extinct reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

 

Toboggan, v.  Why we go to an auction.

 

Tomorrow, n. One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

 

Toothache, n. The pain that drives you to extraction.

 

Umfriend, n. A sexual relation of dubious standing. "This is uh, Dale, my ... um ... friend."

 

Winternment, n. The state of being forced inside due to inclement winter weather.

 

Wrinkles, n. Something other people have. You have character lines.

 

Yawn, n. An honest opinion openly expressed.

 

Yuppie Food Stamps, n. The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."