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Doctors, Health, Death, and Funerals



Doctors, Health, Death, and Funerals


A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing women all at the same time. It was a lovely funeral.


A gynecologist became fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had received a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
     The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."


A guy goes into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a piece of cling film around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."


A kleptomaniac went to see a psychiatrist. He gave her something to take.


A man bursts into a psychiatrist's office, interrupting an important phone call, and screams "Doctor, you've got to help me! I think I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor replied, "I'll deal with you later!"


A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."


A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and he says, "What's the matter with me." The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."


A man went to see a psychiatrist because he dreamed he was covered with gold. The doctor concluded that he had a gilt complex.


A mistake in a blood bank: a blood typo.


A painter got a call from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death, and I said yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your doctor."


A woman develops a terrible rash over her body. She goes to see the doctor who prescribes taking a milk bath everyday, until the rash is gone. The next day, the woman informs her milkman that she needs 100 quarts of milk. "Why so many?" asks the milkman. "I have this terrible rash and the doctor says I need to take a milk bath every day until I'm cured." says the woman. "Oh, goes the milkman, "Do you want it pasteurized?" "No, goes the woman, "I just want it up to my chin."


Bad breath is better than no breath.


Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!


Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients ? They hid their own eggs.


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."


"Doctor, am I going to die?" "That's the last thing you're going to do."


Doctor asks: What is the condition of the boy who swallowed the quarter? Nurse replies: No change yet!


"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower." "That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?" "Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."


"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but I hurt all over. If I touch my shoulder here, it hurts and if I touch my leg here, it hurts and if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch my foot here, it hurts." " I believe you've broken your finger."


"Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains." "Come now, pull yourself together."


"Doctor, I'm suicidal. What should I do?" "Pay in advance."


"Doctor, my fingers hurt. Do you think I should file my nails?" "No, just throw them away."


"Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room." "Tell him I can't see him now."


"Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you send me a bill for $1000! I can't pay that before the end of the month!" "Okay, you have six months to live."


"Doctor, you've got to help me. Some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse." "How long have you been having these Disney spells?"


Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."


Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?


Exercise daily. Eat wisely. Die anyway.


Five doctors went duck hunting one day, a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After awhile, a bird came winging overhead, and the GP raised his shotgun, but then he decided he wasn't sure if it was a duck or not. The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn't sure if it was a male or female duck so he didn't shoot. The psychiatrist raised his gun, and then he thought, "I know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck?" The surgeon blew the duck away, and then turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."


Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


"Hello, this is the Incontinence Hotline. Can you hold, please?"


How come your teeth are the first to decay when you are alive, and the last to decay when you are dead?


How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes him three visits.


How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.


"How much to have this tooth pulled?" "Ninety dollars." "Ninety dollars for just a few minutes work?" "Well, I can do it slower if you like."


I don't usually pass on news like this but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what it's all about. So it is with deep regret that I pass on this sad news. There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and, well, you know the rest.


I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.


I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. (Pete Seeger)


"I have good news and bad news for you, sir. We had to amputate your left leg." "What is the good news, doctor?" "The man in the next bed has offered to buy your shoes."


"I have terrible news, Mr. Larson. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's." "Well, Doctor, at least I don't have cancer."


I intend to live forever — so far so good.


"I see there's a funeral in town today." "Yeah." "Who died?" "I'm not sure, but I think it's the one in the coffin."


I'm in shape. Rounds a shape isn't it?


"I'm sorry sir, but you have an incurable condition and there is nothing more I can do for you. "Isn't there anything you can do? Something you can suggest?" "You might go to the spa and taking a daily mud bath." "Will that help?" "No, but it will help you get used to dirt."


If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?


If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself.


If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?


If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?


Isn't is a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do a 'practice'?


It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.


It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.


It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.


Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.


"Mrs. Larson, you're not going deaf in your left ear. You seem to have a suppository stuck in there!" "Well, now I know what happened to my hearing aid."


My doctor just said I have something called "natural causes." Should I be worried?


My doctor said I was paranoid. Well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.


"Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." "Have you ever seen a doctor?" "No. Just spots."


"Oh, Doctor, something's wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved for three days. He's not dead, is he?" "Let me have a look. Hmmm, mmhm. Yes. I am afraid he is dead." "This can't be true. I don't believe it. I want a second opinion." "Okay. Let me bring in my assistant. Here Puff, here kitty." "A cat???" "She's very smart. The cat looks at the dead dog. "Meow, meow, huh-uh." "Well, Sir, it looks like Puff agrees." "I want another opinion." "Okay, let me bring in my assistant. Come here, Sport. Good boy." "A black Labrador???" "He's very smart." The dog looks at the dead dog. Roof, roof, grrrr, uh-uh." "Sir, I'm sorry but we all agree that your dog is dead." "Oh. This is terrible, how much do I owe you?" "$650.00." "Six hundred and fifty dollars!" "The exam was only $50, but the additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab test."


"Ohh Doctor, I'm feeling terrible. Am I dying?" "I"ll have to examine you. (pause) I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time." "Oh no! How long have I got?" "10." "10? 10 what?" "9." "Nine? Nine what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "8, 7, 6 . . ."


Quasimodo goes to the doctor for an annual checkup. And the doctor says: "I think something is wrong with your back." "What makes you say that?" "I don't know. It's just a hunch."


"Say, Doctor? What was wrong with that nun who just came running out of your office? She looked terribly pale." "Well, I examined her, and told her she was pregnant." "Is she?" "No, but it sure as hell cured her hiccups!"


"Sir, I'd give you maybe three minutes to live." "Isn't there anything you can do for me, Doctor?" "Well, would you like me to boil you an egg?"


Skeleton Riddles: Where does a skeleton keep his pet parakeet? In his ribcage. What do you call a stupid skeleton? A numbskull. What is a skeleton's favorite insult? Bonehead. How does a skeleton get into his house? With a skeleton key. Where did the skeleton plug in his toaster? In his eye socket. What do skeleton baseball pitchers throw? Knuckleballs.


Studies have shown that the leading cause of death is life.


The doctor tells his patient, "I've got some good news and some bad news." So the patient asks, "What the good news, Doc?" And the doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."


The statistics on death are unchanged.


There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and died of an overdose.


There was this woman who had a problem with silent gas and she went to the doctor and she said, "This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of farting silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let three of them since I've been in this office with you. Is there anything you can do?" He said, "Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid."


This guy's father dies and he tells the undertaker he wants to give Dad the very best, so they have the funeral and the undertaker sends him a bill for $16,000. He pays it. And a month later he gets a bill for $85, which he pays, and the next month there's another $85 bill, and the next month, and finally the guy calls up the undertaker and the undertaker says, "Well, you said you wanted the best for your dad. So I rented him a tux."


"Welcome to heaven. I am St. Peter, state your profession." "I was a doctor." "All right. You may enter." "I was a lawyer." "All right. You will be admitted on a trial basis." "I was an HMO director, St. Peter." "You may enter . . . but only for three days."


What do you give the man who has everything? Antibiotics.


"What happened to you, Mr. Peebles? You look awful." "Well, Doctor, you told me to take this medicine for three days, then skip a day, and that skipping wore me out."


"What's wrong, Doctor? You look puzzled." "I can't figure out exactly what's wrong with you. I think it's the result of heavy drinking." "Well, then I'll just come back when you're sober."


"What's wrong with your brother?" "He thinks he's a chicken, Doctor." "Really. How long has he thought this?" "Three years. We would've brought him in sooner but we needed the eggs."


Whatever happened to Preparations A thru G?


Why did the orange go to the doctor?  He wasn’t peeling well.


Why does your nose run and your feet smell?


"You've got to help me, Doc," the Irishman said. "It's me ear. There's something in there."
     "Let's have a look. Why, my goodness, it's true. You've got money lodged up in there." The doctor proceeded to pull out a $100 bill. "Wow," he said, "and there's still more." Out came a few more hundreds, then some fifties and some tens. Finally the doctor said. "Well, that seems to be it."
     "How much was there, all told?"
     "One thousand, nine hundred an ninety dollars.
     "Ah, yes, that'd be right," said the Irishman. "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."




A Short History of Medicine
I have an earache:
     2000 BC Here, eat this root.
     1000 AD That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
     1850 AD That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
     1940 AD That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
     1985 AD That pill is carcinogenic. Here, take this antibiotic.
     2000 AD That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.



Things You Don't Want To Hear In Surgery:

  1. Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop.
  2. Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
  3. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
  4. Hand me that . . . uh . . . that thingie.
  5. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
  6. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
  7. Dang it, there go the lights again.
  8. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
  9. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
  10. What's this doing here?
  11. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
  12. Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
  13. OK, now take a picture from this angle.
  14. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
  15. Dang it! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
  16. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
  17. Accept this sacrifice, O great god of the Volcano.
  18. OK, now take an XRAY from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
  19. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
  20. Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.