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Cannibals and Other Humanitarians
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A good cook never cooks carrots and peas in the same pot.
A guy walks into a restaurant and the day's special was beef tongue. He says to the waitress, "I don't want anything that came out of an animal's mouth. I'll have two eggs instead."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
A man walks into a restaurant and says, "How do you prepare your chickens?" The cook says, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A reporter hears about an old Indian chief with a phenomenal memory. He
decides to interview the chief so he tracks him down and knocks on the chief's
door. The chief opens the door and the reporter says, "How." The chief
replies, "How." The reporter says, "I hear that you have a
prodigious memory." "This is true," says the chief. "Well,
what did you have for breakfast 25 years ago today?", the reporter asked.
Without hesitation, the chief replied, "Eggs." The reporter was polite
but didn't think there was much of a story there, and so he went on his way.
Twenty-five years later, the reporter was retired and traveling the country and happened to be in the chief's neck of the woods. He says to himself, "I think I'll see if that old Indian chief is still around." He finds the chief's house and knocks on the door and sure enough the old chief answers the door. The reporter said, "How." The chief replied, "Scrambled."
An explosion in a cheese shop leaves de-Brie everywhere.
Average gumbo is only medi-okra.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? The food is terrific, but there's no atmosphere.
Dieting is wishful shrinking.
Do you know what the difference is between a pizza and a giraffe? No? Boy, I'm never sending you out for pizza!
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Help keep the kitchen clean — eat out.
How to make leek soup: first you get a pot and then you take a leek.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I used to eat all natural foods until I found out 80% of people die from natural causes.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker
It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock
Or some joker who is slicker
Will trick you of your liquor
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
Raisin, n. Grape with a sunburn.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Thanksgiving groaner: Those who cannot dismember the repast are condemned to reheat it.
The best part about fighting your way to the top of the food chain is that you can choose to be a vegetarian or not.
The good news is that I lost 30 pounds on this all-popcorn diet. The bad news is that I spent $8,000 going to the movies.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in this world.
The Wolfman's favorite snack: Muenster cheese.
There is a thin person inside me struggling to get out, but I keep him sedated with chocolate.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line? I'm the wiener!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Why did the cookie visit the doctor? He felt crummy.
An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him. The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal." "Great", the astronomer replies. The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
Cannibal, n. Someone who is fed up with people.
Cannibals aren't vegetarians, they're humanitarians.
Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and ate kids?
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teacher.
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day?
Did you hear about the cannibals that were playing cards in the jungle, and one of them threw up a perfectly good hand?
Two cannibals met one day in the jungle: "I went up the river and got me a couple of Catholic monks the other day and brought em home and boiled them and they tasted terrible." "You boiled them?" "Yeah, why?" "Those are friars."
Two cannibals were sitting by a fire and one of them says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." And the other says, "So, try the potatoes."
Two guys are captured by cannibals and they're stuck naked in a big pot of water over a fire and the water gets hotter and hotter and all of a sudden, one guy starts laughing, and the other guy says, "What's so funny?" "I just peed in their soup!"
Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of humanitarians.
What did the cannibal get from his wife when he came home late? A cold shoulder.
Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a balanced meal.
Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.
You know you drink too much coffee when ...
... Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
... you get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
... you grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
... you sleep with your eyes open.
... you have to watch videos in fast-forward.
... you lick your coffeepot clean.
... your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
... the nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
... you can type 60 words a minute with your feet.
... you can jump-start your car without cables.
... your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
... you don't sweat, you percolate.
... you've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
... you go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
... you've worn the finish off your coffee table.
... the Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
... Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
... you're so wired you pick up FM radio.
... your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
... instant coffee takes too long.
... you want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
... you name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
... your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
... your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.