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Really Cheap Thoughts

 

Insults

 

A brain like a BB in a boxcar.

A couplet short of a sonnet.

A day late and a dollar short.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few bricks short of a wall.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few escape pods short of an evacuation.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

A few frequencies short of a spectrum.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

A few open splices.

A few peas short of a casserole.

A few photons short of a complete hologram.

A few pickles short of a jar.

A few pies short of a holiday dinner.

A few planes short of an Air Force.

A few revisions behind.

A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

A few screws loose.

A few tiles short of a successful reentry.

A few volts below threshold.

A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and what was the question?

A flower short of an arrangement.

A flying buttress short of a cathedral.

A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A little light in the loafers.

A one-bit brain with a parity error.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

A quart low.

A return with no gosub.

A teabag short of a pot.

A titanic intellect, in a world full of icebergs.

A tower short of a castle.

A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.

All booster, no payload.

All hat and no cattle.

All missile, no warhead.

All the personality of saran wrap.

All wax and no wick.

Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.

Always sharpening his sleeping skills.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

An early example of the Peter Principle.

An ego like a black hole.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

As bright as a tulip bulb.

As happy as if he had brains.

As sharp as a bowl of Jello, and twice as smart.

As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. (Foghorn Leghorn)

As smart as bait.

Attic's a little dusty.

Back burners not fully operating.

Bats in the belfry.

Batteries not included.

Been napping in front of the ion shield again.

Been playing in the pharmacy section again.

Been short on oxygen one time too many.

Blocked one too many hockey pucks with his head.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Born a day late and like that ever since.

Brain transplant donor.

Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.

Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.

Cheezwiz for brains.

Contributes to the population problem.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

CPU not connected to the bus.

Cranio-rectally inverted.

Cursor's flashing but there's no response.

Darwin wept. (comment by Q on the Star Trek Trivia Game)

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Differently clued. (Dave Clark)

Do I look like a people person?

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't have all his groceries in the same bag.

Doesn't have both oars in the water.

Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.

Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.

Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.

Donated her body to scientists before she was done using it.

Dropped his second stage too soon.

Dumber than a box of rocks.

During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

Earth is full. Go home.

Eight pawns short of a gambit.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

End of season sale at the cerebral department. (Gareth Blackstock)

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Fired her retro-rockets a little late.

Four cents short of a nickel.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.

Get your mind out of the gutter — it's blocking my view.

Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.

Got an IQ that's about room temperature.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.

Has a bad brains-to-testosterone ratio.

Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.

Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.

Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.

Has no discretionary intellect.

Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.

Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis.

Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.

Has the IQ of a salad bar.

Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.

He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.

He does the work of three men — Moe, Larry and Curly.

He forgot to pay his brain bill.

He has a knack for making strangers immediately.

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

He's a self-made man, but he's the most unskilled workman I've ever seen.

He's been working with glue too much.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.

Her memory is truly random-access.

Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.

Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.

His puzzle is missing a few pieces.

His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.

His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I don't think his URL allows outside access.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I like you but I don't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

I think he rode the Tilt-a-Whirl too long.

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth.

I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

I'd say he doesn't have all his dogs on the same leash.

I'd say he's about one Froot Loop shy of a full box.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I'm not a complete idiot — several parts are missing.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm not even going to ignore that.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.

If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.

If you had one more neuron, you'd have a synapse.

If you stand up next to him, you can hear the ocean.

Impervious to brain damage.

In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.

Informationally deprived.

Intellectually challenged.

IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy.

Just another flash in the bedpan.

Knitting with only one needle.

Left his booster on the launch pad.

Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Lights are on but nobody's home.

Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.

Looks like he played goalie for the darts team.

Made a career out of mid-life crisis.

Mental software is still in beta test.

Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.

Needs another brain to make half-wit.

Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. (Van Jacobson)

Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.

No filter in the coffeemaker.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.

Not done evolving yet.

Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.

Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.

Not firing on all four cylinders.

Not firmly seated in the socket.

Not hard-docked.

Not playing with a full deck.

Not running on full thrusters.

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

Not the same since they took him off his medication.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he?

Nutty as a fruitcake.

Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.

On permanent leave of absence from his senses.

On the batting end of a no-hitter.

One bit short of a byte.

One board short of a porch.

One card shy of a full deck.

One hot pepper short of an enchilada.

One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.

One ship short of a full fleet.

One snowflake short of a ski slope.

One taco short of a combination plate.

One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

Only one oar in the water.

Operating in standby mode.

Out there where the buses don't run.

Overdue for reincarnation.

Paralyzed from the neck up.

Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.

Proof that evolution can go in reverse.

Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.

Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.

Reading from an unformatted disk.

Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.

Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.

Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.

Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.

Result of a first cousin marriage.

Runs squares around the competition.

Sailboat fuel for brains.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Sat under the ozone hole too long.

Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.

Single-sided, low density.

Sloppy as a soup sandwich.

So boring, his dreams have Muzak.

So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.

So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.

Some Assembly Required.

Some bugs in his software.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Someone blew out his pilot light.

Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Sort of like an inverse Einstein.

Source code is missing a few lines.

Subtle as a well-thrown brick.

Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.

Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.

Synapses, we hardly knew ye! (comment by Q in the Star Trek Trivia Game)

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

The fan's working but the freon's leaked out.

The going got weird, and he turned pro.

The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet.

The truth is out there. So what are you doing here?!

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's asleep.

Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.

Too may freaks, not enough circuses.

Took the little bus to school.

Train of thought still boarding at the station.

Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.

Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.

Two chapters short of a novel.

Two sheep short of a sweater.

Useful as a kickstand on a horse.

Vacancy on the top floor.

Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.

Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.

Wasn't strapped in during launch.

Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

Where other people have a brain, he's got resonance.

Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.

Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

You sound reasonable . . . Time to up my medication.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

You've only got two neurons, and one of them is inhibitory.

 

 

Work-Related

A direct quote from the boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks, and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a spine.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

I thought my boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new boss is an idiot, too . . . but at least I respect him.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

My boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

My boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling I see as a protective barrier."

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, every day, until I find out why no work is getting done."

Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.