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A man driving down the road gets pulled over by a policeman. The policeman says, "You're drunk." And the driver says, "Well thank God for that, I thought the steering had gone!"
A man is condemned to be hanged. They put the noose around his neck and ask, "Do you have any final words before we spring the trap?" The man says, "Yes, I don't think this damned thing is safe."
A thief breaks into a bar and goes right for the cash register, when he hears a voice behind him say, "God is watching." He turns around, but he doesn't see anything, so he goes back to the cash register. Again he hears, "God is watching." He sees a parrot over there in the corner, and he goes over to it and says, "What's your name?" "John the Baptist," replies the bird. "That's a funny name for a parrot," says the thief. "Who named you that?" The parrot says, "My owner. The same guy who named the Rottweiler God."
Did you hear that all the toilet seats were stolen at police headquarters? Yes, the police have nothing to go on.
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am, you were driving twenty miles an hour — the minimum speed is forty five." "I thought the speed limit was twenty two miles an hour!" "This is Highway 22! that's not the speed limit." "Oh, goodness. Thank you, officer." "Ma'am, your passengers they don't look well. Is everyone OK?" "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute. We just got off Route 119."
The police officer sees a car weaving back and forth down the highway and he takes off after it and pulls up alongside and the driver is a little old lady and she's knitting as she drives. He can't believe it and he yells at her, "Pull over! Pull over!" and she says, "No, it's a scarf!"
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why were all the ink spots crying? Their father was in the pen.