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Lawyer Jokes
(Sue Me)


A lawyer had just undergone surgery, and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."


A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."


A lawyer sent a note to a client: "Dear Jim, Thought I saw you on the street the other day, crossed over to say hello, but it wasn't you, so I went back. One-tenth of an hour: $25.00"


A surgeon, an engineer, and a lawyer were arguing about which profession was the oldest, and the doctor said, "Well, on the fifth day of Creation, God took a rib from Adam, so surgery is the oldest profession." The engineer said, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos, so engineering is the oldest profession." And the lawyer said, "Yes, but who created the chaos?"


A tragedy is a busload of lawyers going over a cliff with an empty seat.


"Are you a lawyer?" "Yes." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars for four questions." "Isn't that awfully expensive?" "Yes. What's your fourth question?"


"Criminal Lawyer" is redundant.


Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.


Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.


How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.


How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.


How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.


How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.


How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.


How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford? (or) Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company. (or) Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. . . . .


How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.


If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?


If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle.


Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.


So a young lawyer meets the devil at a bar association convention and the devil says, "Listen, if you give me your soul, and you give me the souls of everyone in your family, I'll make you a full partner in your firm." And the young lawyer says, "So, what's the catch?"


So the lawyer is cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said, "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer. "No, I did not," said the doctor. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."


So the lawyer is painting his house, when a hobo comes around and asks if he can do something to earn a few dollars, and the lawyer says, "Sure, take a can of this paint, and go around to the back of the house, and paint my porch." And the hobo does and fifteen minutes later he comes back and says that he's finished. The lawyer says, "Already?" And the hobo says, "Yeah, but it wasn't a Porsche, it was a Mercedes!"


So this lawyer walks into a bar and asks, "Is this where I take the exam?"


Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.


The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.


What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.


What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.


What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.


What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.


What do you have when you've got six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.


What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.


What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.


What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.


What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.


What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.


What's the difference between baseball and law? In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.


What's the strongest argument against creationism? Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create these species?


Why did the lawyer make coffee? There was sufficient grounds.


Why does New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps and Washington D.C. has so many lawyers? New Jersey got first choice.


Why won't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.


Will Rogers never met a lawyer.


You know, it's that 90 percent of lawyers that give the rest a bad name.