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Really Cheap Thoughts

 

Lightbulb Jokes

 

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? One. They don't like to share the spotlight.  (or)  One, but the five actors in the audience will all say, "Yes, well, he did his part all right, but I could have done it better."

 

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? What kind of answer did you have in mind?

 

How many advertising execs does it take to change a light bulb? Interesting question. What do you think?

 

How many Alcoholics Anonymous members does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb first has to admit that it's gone out.

 

How many anarchists does it take to change a light bulb? All of them.

 

How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.

 

How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.

 

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb? "What's a light bulb?"

 

How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile . . .

 

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to assure you that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

 

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

 

How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb? Billions and billions.

 

How many Catholic cardinals does it take to change a light bulb? 350, but it takes them 400 years.

 

How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb? 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

 

How many cockroaches does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. As soon as the light goes on, they scatter before anyone can count them.

 

How many communists does it take to change a light bulb? The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

 

How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study. (or) I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

 

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. It turned itself in.

 

How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb, six to talk about how wonderful it's going to be when the new bulb is screwed in, and ten to argue for increased funding for solar lighting research.

 

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? (Sigh.) One.

 

How many dyslexics does it change to take a light bulb?

 

How many economists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to assume the ladder and the other to change the bulb.

 

How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? Many hands make light work.

 

How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.

 

How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

 

How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? The entire team, and they all get a semester's credit for it.

 

How many frat guys does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. (or) Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

 

How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Fruit flies don't screw in light bulbs they screw in fruit.

 

How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? 1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

 

How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs!

 

How many Hindus does it take to change a light bulb? None. The bulb will be reincarnated.

 

How many human beings does it take to change a light bulb? Six billion and one. One to hold the light bulb and six billion to screw the earth.

 

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb? Fifteen. One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins.

 

How many IRS agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but it really gets screwed.

 

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

 

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? Who cares, let’s go play baseball.

 

How many logicians does it take to change a broken light bulb? Two: one to figure out what to change it into, and one to figure out what kind of bulb emits broken light.

 

How many lonely guys does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but he wishes it took two.

 

How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on what you want to change it into.

 

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

 

How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. (or) One. He gives it to six Californians thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.

 

How many mediums does it take to change a lightbulb? I'm getting an answer.... hold on... I'm getting a number.... Is it one? It's definitely a number with a one in it, somewhere between 0 and a million. Do you understand?

 

How many men does it take to change a toilet-paper roll? Who knows; it's never happened.

 

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

 

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

 

How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb? Fifty. Fifty? Yeah fifty; it's in the contract.

 

How many new-age types does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. Four to chant, two to give healing massages, and one to say the bulb is really starting to look brighter. (or) We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, we rejoice in your discovery. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

 

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? (Steven Wright)

 

How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to change the bulb.

 

How many private consulting detectives* does it take to change a light bulb? One. It's elementary.

* Sherlock Holmes' "official" job description.

 

How many real men does it take to change a light bulb? None, real men aren't afraid of the dark.

 

How many reference librarians does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I'll have to check on that and get back to you.

 

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry, and 51 to pass a tax credit for light bulb changers.

 

How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb? For $5,000, we will send you to an introductory seminar on how to change light bulbs. There you will learn that you have been changing light bulbs the wrong way. Future (pricier) seminars will teach you the right way.

 

How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb? We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2 pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.

 

How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

 

How many Stormtroopers (TM) does it take to change a lightbulb? 35. One to change the bulb, and 34 to die needlessly in this daring operation, while having rocks dropped on them by Ewoks.

 

How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. (or) None. And if the government would leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

 

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side. (or) Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.

 

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they have to do it while you are eating dinner.

 

How many thought police does it take to change a light bulb? None. There never was a light bulb.

 

How many used car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb? I'm working out the figure on my calculator, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

 

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb? One, but she changes it into a toad.

 

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and one not to change it. (or) A tree in a golden forest. (or) None. Zen masters carry their own light.

 

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?