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Mental Health and Other Delusions

 

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother.

 

A great many open minds should be closed for repairs.

 

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

 

A man is walking by an insane asylum and he hears the inmates inside chanting, "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen …" He is so fascinated that he walks up to the door and puts his eye up the keyhole and somebody pokes him in the eye with a sharp stick, and the inmates start chanting "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen …"

 

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air; a psychotic is the person who lives in it; and a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

 

A psychologist is a man who, when a beautiful woman enters the room, watches everyone else.

 

Almost went crazy. Would have been a real short trip.

 

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

 

"Hello? Is this the state mental hospital?" "Yes, it is." "I'd like to speak to Mr. Russell in room 27." "One moment and I'll connect you. (pause) I'm sorry, Mr. Russell is not answering." "Good. That means I must have really escaped then."

 

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

 

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but only if the light bulb wants to change. (or) None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

 

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

 

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

 

I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

 

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

 

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

 

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

Insanity is just a state of mind.

 

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

 

Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.

 

My reality check bounced.

 

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

 

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

 

Some people are, through no fault of their own, sane.

 

Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize that you were never asleep.

 

"Suicide Hotline . . . please hold."

 

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

 

You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely broke.

 

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

 

 

Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline: