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A construction company executive came out to a work site one day to inspect his workers' craftsmanship. He approached a carpenter and asked what he was doing. "What does it look like I'm doing?" the worker said. "I'm nailing this cheap plywood to the floor. Look, I don't have time to chew the fat with you — this two-bit company pays me on a piecework basis, so the sooner I get this junk nailed down, the sooner I can move on to the next piece of junk and maybe make a few bucks today." The executive then approached a mason and asked him what he was doing. "I'm mixing mortar that is going to tenderly and devotedly hold each of these bricks in place. And one by one, I'm going to set these bricks until they begin to take shape. They will rise row by row toward the heavens and eventually form a tall tower — the tower of a court building. It will stand for years and years as a symbol of truth and justice. This edifice will stand as a beacon, representing all that is right in America." "You idiot!" the executive bellowed. "This is supposed to be a garage!"
A county extension agent was visiting a farm needed to use the toilet, but he realized that there was no running water. So he ran around back to the outhouse, opened the door, and the hired man was sitting there. But the hired man said, "It's O.K., come on in, it's a two-holer." So the agent went in and sat down. The hired man stood up, and as he was pulling up his pants, some change tumbled out of his pocket and went down the hole. The hired man shook his head, pulled out his wallet and dropped a ten-dollar bill down the hole. The extension agent said, "What did you do that for?" And the hired man said, "Well, I ain't goin’ down there for just 35 cents."
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"
A kid was ice fishing, cut his hole in the ice and didn't have much luck. But there was a guy across the way who was hauling in a bounty of fish, just one after another. So the kid went over to the guy and said, "What are you doing to get all of these fish? I'm just a few feet away from you, and I'm not catching anything." The guy answered in a muffled voice, "Ee yer erms orm." And the kid didn't understand. And the guy tried to speak again, "Ee yer erms orm." The kid still couldn't understand him, so the guy said, spitting off to the side "spffffff .... I said, keep your worms warm!"
A man was walking home alone one night through a graveyard. He heard a strange noise behind him, and saw a coffin rise up, and starting banging its way towards him. Terrified, the man ran home, with the coffin pursuing him all the way. The man ran into his house, with the coffin hard on his heels. The man barricaded himself in the bathroom, but the coffin crashed through the door, and came towards him menacingly. Desperate, the man threw a bottle of cough syrup at the hideous apparition, and of course, the coffin stopped.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
A sadistic drill sergeant runs his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on and as they stand there exhausted, he puts his face right up to one recruit's face and says : "I'll bet you're wishing that I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?" And the recruit said, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again."
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. (p. 9 of the August 1993 issue of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance)
An exiled scientist was strolling across the Siberian tundra when he found a
tiny bird nearly frozen to death. He picked up the bird and carried it until he
found a large pile of still-smoking yak dung. He stuck the bird into the pile to
warm it. Well, the heat revived the bird and it began to sing. A wolf, hearing
the sound, came along and ate the bird. This tiny story has three separate
morals that not only scientists should bear in mind: 1. The one who puts you in
the yak dung is not necessarily your enemy. 2. The one who gets you out again is
not necessarily your friend. 3. And, if you find yourself in yak dung up to your
neck — keep your mouth shut!
quoted in Betsy Divine & Joel E. Cohen, Absolute Zero
Gravity: Science Jokes, Quotes, and Anecdotes (1992)
As he hammered siding into the house, Clem would reach into his nail pouch, pull
out a nail, and then either toss it away or pound it into the house.
"Hey, Clem, why are you throwing those nails away?" yelled Lem, the foreman.
"If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding," said Clem. "If it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective."
"You moron!" yelled Lem. "The nails pointed toward you aren't defective. They're for the other side of the house."
At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only once a year can the monk speak, and then only two words, and only to the head monk. On his first anniversary there, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "More blankets." The next anniversary, Brother Thomas speaks to the head monk again, and says "More food." The third anniversary, Brother Thomas speaks to the head monk and says, "I'm leaving." The head monk responds, "Good, you've done nothing but complain since you've got here."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping and pitch their tent under the stars. During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce." Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent!"
This sailor met a pirate in a bar, and the sailor couldn't help but notice that the pirate was pretty much the worse for wear — he has a peg leg, and a hook, and an eye patch. So the sailor asked the pirate how he got the peg leg and the pirate answered, "Well, matey, I got washed over board one night while we was in a fierce storm. An' dern me if a shark didn't go and bite off me leg." Then the sailor asked, "So how'd you get the hook?" And the pirate answered, "Well, we was in a fierce fight while boarding a ship one time, and that's when I got me hand cut off." Finally, the sailor asked, "So how'd you get the eye patch?" And the pirate responded, "A seagull pooped in me eye." And the sailor said, "You mean to tell me you lost an eye just because a seagull pooped in it?" The pirate said, "Well, it was the first day I had the hook."
Two hunters from New Jersey are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing. The other whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps out to the operator: "My friend is dead. What can I do?" The operator in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. First let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
Two ranchers were in a bar bragging to each other about the size of their spreads. The first one said "I can leave my house at daybreak and drive all day without leaving my property." The second one leaned back and responded "Yeah, I had a car like that once."
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