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A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A philosopher was walking along the beach and found a stoppered bottle washed up by the tide. When he pulled out the stopper, a genie emerged and said, "As a reward for releasing me, I'll grant you either infinite wisdom or infinite wealth. Which shall it be?" The philosopher didn't hesitate at all: "Infinite wisdom, of course. . . . DAMN!! I should have taken the money."
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money can't make me happy.
An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.
An economist walks up to a shepherd. "I'll bet you I can guess how many
sheep you have in your flock."
"If you do," says the shepherd, "you can have one."
The economist pulls out his pocket calculator, punches some buttons and says, "874."
The shepherd is amazed. He motions towards the flock, and the economist goes over and picks up an animal.
"You know," says the shepherd, "I'll bet I can guess what you do for a living."
"If you do," says the economist, "you can have your sheep back."
"You're an economist," says the shepherd.
The economist's jaw drops. "How could you possibly know that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I'll tell you.
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
Economists have predicted nine of the last five recessions.
Fight back! Fill out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
Gambling: A sure way of getting nothing for something.
How did a fool and his money get together to begin with?
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
I am having an out of money experience.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I’m so broke I have to pay attention on credit.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
The difference between capitalism and communism is that, under communism, you have people exploiting people, whereas under capitalism, it's the other way around.
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.
The only way to win money out of a casino is to own one.
There are three dimensions to credit cards, length, width and debt.
Too much month at the end of the money.
We were so poor we'd lick stamps for dinner.
When I was a kid we were so poor, when my little brother broke his arm we had to take him out to the airport for x-rays.
Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend? He lost interest.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
With money you cannot buy friends, but with money you can get rid of all your enemies.