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Really Cheap Thoughts

 

Musical Jokes
(and Other Subjects that are Out of Tune)

 

A banjo is like an artillery shell: by the time you hear it, it's too late.

 

A tooter who tooted a flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
     Said the two to the tutor
     Is it harder to toot?
Or to tutor two tooters to toot?

 

Did you know that Beethoven was so deaf, he thought he was painting.

 

Do you know how many jazz musicians it takes to change a light bulb? No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

 

Do you know the definition for perfect pitch? When you throw the banjo into the dumpster and it lands right on the accordion.

 

How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.

 

How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.

 

How do you get a drummer out of your house? Pay him for the pizza.

 

How do you get a guitar player to turn down the volume? Put sheet music in front of him.

 

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

 

How do you know you have a singer at your front door? Can't find the key, doesn't know when to come in.

 

How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs.

 

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to complain that it's electric.

 

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

 

How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and the other to eat the old one.

 

Jack Benny played Mendelsson last night. Mendelsson lost.

 

"Lady, I'm the piano tuner." "I didn't send for a piano tuner." "I know, but your neighbors did."

 

So the kid says to his dad, "When I grow up, I want to be a musician." And the dad says, "I'm sorry, you can't have it both ways."

 

There are these two string bass players sitting in the back row of the orchestra during a performance of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. One looks to the other and says, "This is kind of a slow movement, and we don't play for another half hour. I bet we could slip out the back, go for a drink, come back in time for the last movement, and no one would notice." The other bass player agrees and they very quietly sneak out the stage door, through the wings and across the street to a bar. They order a few beers, then a few more, and pretty soon they're sloshed. The second bass player, a little less sloshed than the first, suddenly realizes that it's getting to be time to go back. As he gets up to leave, the first guy says, "Aw, siddown. We got plennya time 'fore we gotta be back on stage." "How do you know?" Asks the second bass player. "'Cause I tied the conductor's score shut at a page where the piece is really repetitive. He'll just keep repeating over 'an over 'an we'll have time for a couple more beers." The second guy agrees, and they have a few more. Finally, they decide to go back. They stumble through the wings onto the stage just as the conductor has ripped his score open to get to the last movement. They take up their instruments and begin playing wrong notes, skipping measures, and drooping their bows every now and again. A woman in the audience notices that something isn't right. She leans over to her companion and says, "What do you suppose the matter is?" "It's obvious," she replies, "It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

 

Twelve tenors and a baritone were climbing Mount Everest and the rope broke, and they fell down into the crevasse and all of them managed to hang on to the rope, but it was clear that the rope couldn't hold them all, so they decided one man would have to let go, and the baritone said, "Okay, I'm only a baritone. There are so many baritones, so few tenors, and the music world cannot bear to lose you, so I'll sacrifice myself to save your lives." And the tenors all applauded and fell to their deaths.

 

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.

 

What do you call a musician who's broken up with his girlfriend? Homeless.

 

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A-flat minor.

 

What's the definition of perfect pitch? When you throw a banjo in the dumpster and it doesn't touch the sides.

 

What's the difference between a banjo and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower.

 

What's the difference between a banjo and a vacuum cleaner? You have to plug in a vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

 

What's the difference between a baritone sax and a chain saw? Vibrato.

 

What's the difference between a musician and a fourteen-inch pizza? A fourteen-inch pizza can feed a family of four.

 

What's the difference between an accordion and an onion? No one cries when you cut up an accordion.

 

Why are violins smaller than violas? They're really the same size, but violinists have bigger heads.

 

Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher? Because he was Haydn.

 

Why did the composer only compose in bed? He was writing sheet music.

 

Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? To get away from the noise.

 

Would you say that if Isaac Stern tries to play every piece ever composed for the violin, he'll leave no tone un-Sterned?

 

You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.