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Office Humor

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Office Humor

 

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. So now you know why they call this a workstation.

 

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

 

A company is known by the people it keeps.

 

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

 

Failure to complete any task within the allocated time and budget proves that the task was more difficult than expected and requires promotion for those in charge.

 

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

 

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

 

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

 

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

 

Tell your boss what you think of him, and the truth shall set you free.

 

The secretary was leaving the office when she saw the CEO standing in front of the paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "This is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?" The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button and the paper went. "Great. I just need one copy."

 

What's the difference between a pigeon and a dot-com executive? The pigeon can still put down a deposit on the Mercedes.

 

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

 

 

Daffy Definitions

Alpha Geek, n. The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

 

Assmosis, n. The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

 

Beepilepsy, n. The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

 

Blamestorming, n. Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

 

Bull Market, n. A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

 

Cash Flow, n. The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

 

CEO, n. Chief Embezzlement Officer.

 

Chainsaw Consultant, n. An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

 

Committee, n. A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 

Cube Farm, n. An office filled with cubicles.

 

Flight Risk, n. Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

 

GOOD Job, n. A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

 

Idea Hamsters, n. People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

 

Prairie Dogging, n. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

 

Seagull Manager, n. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, leaves droppings over everything and then leaves.

 

Telephone Number Salary, n. A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.

 

Tourists, n. People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

 

Uninstalled, n. Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

 

Windows 2000, n. What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
Yahoo, n. What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

 

Xerox Subsidy, n. Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

 

 

Lists

Why Ignorance Rises to the Executive Level

     Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

     Postulate 2: Time is Money.

From Physics, we know that

Power = Work / Time

If Knowledge is Power and Time is Money, then by substitution, we get

Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving for Money:

Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the work done. What this means is "The less you know, the more you make."

 

 

You know you're living in the twenty-first century when…
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
15. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9.
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No. 9. Bet you all did this one.