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A Punny Thing Happened . . .
(get out while you still can)

 

A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.

 

A backward poet writes inverse.

 

A bad party is a fete worse than death.

 

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

 

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

 

"A buccaneer" you say? That's an awful price for corn on the cob!

 

A Buddhist monk walks into a pizzeria and says "Make me one with everything."

 

A calendar's days are numbered.

 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

A critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.

 

A Czechoslovakian man was running from hit men and needed a place to hide, so he ran into a bank and asked the teller, "Would you be so kind as to cache a Czech?"

 

A farmer was kept awake all night by the sound of birds loudly chirping. Apparently they had built their nests in his horse's mane. He managed to smear yeast all over the horse's mane and the next night he slept soundly. The moral? "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet!"

 

A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys. When the babies were side by side, they always looked in opposite directions, so they were named Forward and Away. Years later, the fisherman took his sons fishing, but they didn't return. Months passed, and the wife finally spotted her husband plodding sadly up the beach. He explained to her that during their trip, Forward had hooked an enormous fish. He had struggled for hours, when suddenly the fish pulled Forward into the water and they never saw him again. "That's just terrible!" his wife said. "It was terrible all right," said the fisherman. "But you should have seen the one that got Away!"

 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the tellers name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says it's Kermit Jagger and that it's okay — he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything to use as collateral. "Sure," the frog says. "I have this." He produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant about half an inch tall. Very confused, Ms Whack explains that she'll have to consult the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog out there called Kermit Jagger who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks her in the eye and says: "It's a Knick Knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

 

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

A guy sicced his attack chicken on John Major cause he wanted to see a chicken catch a Tory.

 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

 

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

 

A mechanic once owned a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning, the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed:  "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!"

 

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

 

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 

A pun is a short quip followed by a long groan.

 

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone National Park to study the bears. Finally, their requests were granted, and they immediately flew to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female. Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female bear and opened its stomach to find the remains of the Russian scientist. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?" The other ranger nodded and responded, "I guess it means the Czech is in the male."

 

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

 

A will is a dead giveaway.

 

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

 

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
     The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question for you), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked. "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

 

Aibohphobia: the fear of palindromes.

 

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

 

An unclaimed boundary between two continental plates is nobody's fault.

 

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

 

Back in the 1800s, the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products. Because they already made cases for pocket watches, they decided to market compasses — which would also need cases — for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

 

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 

Baroque: when you are out of Monet.

 

Did you hear about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?

 

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during his root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

 

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?

 

Did you hear about the furniture polisher who died? He had a lovely finish.

 

Did you hear about the man who couldn't find anyone to sing with, and bought a duet yourself kit?

 

Did you hear about the man who spent his life collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc, and Florence Nightingale? Apparently, he was a heroine addict.

 

Did you hear about the midget clairvoyant burglar that escaped from jail? The headlines in the newspaper read "Small Medium at Large."

 

Did you hear about the new Website dedicated to Morse code enthusiasts? It's www...........

 

Did you hear about the "novel" them park in Florida? It's called Epcot Fitzgerald.

 

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? She had her baby in the spring.

 

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

 

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was great!

 

Did you hear about the UC Berkeley parapsychology professor that had really bad breath? It was a case of supercalifornianmysticexperthalitosis

 

Did you hear that Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein got together for a meeting last week to discuss their common problem? They both have Kurds in their whey.

 

Did you hear that NASA has launched several Holsteins into low earth orbit? It was the herd shot around the world.

 

Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny beat up a sales clerk? He was charged with assault and battery!

 

Did you hear the one about the baker who always needed dough?

 

Did you hear the one about the comedian who only told sausage puns? His friends said he was the wurst.

 

Did you hear the one about the duck who bought a house with a low down payment?

 

Did you hear the one about the gardener who accidentally sprayed his garden with herbicide instead of pesticide? He just ended up killing thyme.

 

Did you hear the one about the man who lost his whole left side in an accident? Don't worry, he's all right now!

 

Did you hear the one about the window washer who says his job's a real pane?

 

Did you hear there was a fire at a Basque movie theater and unfortunately there was only a single emergency exit door, so several people were trampled to death, which only goes to show: you shouldn't put all your Basques in one exit.

 

Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.

 

Do you know how to make varnish disappear? Just remove the "r".

 

During a hike with my friend, I noticed a black bird roosting in a nearby tree. "I've always wondered what the difference is between a crow and a raven," I said.
     "You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings," my companion explained. "If there are four, it's a crow. If it's five, it's a raven."
     "Really?" I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue what he was talking about.
     "Oh, yes," he replied, "it's just a matter of a pinion."

 

During intermission at the ballet, my friends and I were commenting on the beautiful costumes. We had all noticed, however, that the featured ballerina did not appear in the outfit she was pictured in on the program cover. A woman behind me, having overheard our conversation, politely tapped me on the shoulder and said, "That, I believe, is a substitutu."

 

Dyslexic atheists untie against Dog.

 

Electricians always keep up with current events.

 

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the records of their league were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 

For as long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

 

Hank Williams' song about mineral rights: "Mine your own bismuth and you won't be mining mine."

 

Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

 

Headline: "Bear Overthrows Disneyland in Pooh D'etat."

 

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

 

He would often have to break into song because he couldn't find the key.

 

Hear about the ship that ran aground carrying a cargo of red paint and black paint? The whole crew was marooned.

 

"Hmmmmm. That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. I'll bet you've been eating a lot of Hollandaise sauce, haven't you." "Yeah, I have." "I thought so. You see, Hollandaise sauce has lemon juice in it which is highly corrosive. So I'll have to make you a new plate, and this time instead of silver, I'll make it out of chrome." "Why chrome?" "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise."

 

Horses who never do what their riders want are neigh-sayers.

 

How do they circumcise a whale? They send down four skin divers.

 

I don't remember the mane but the pace is familiar.

 

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

 

I had trouble finding the shellac because it had varnished from sight.

 

I haven't received this month's selection from the Cheese-of-the-Month Club, so I'm writing a play about it called "Waiting for Gouda."

 

I haven’t seen a Henry Fonda movie in a long time.  Absence makes the heart grow Fonda.

 

I just heard that a radical segment of the woodworkers union broke off and formed a splinter group.

 

I know this guy who works at Sea World; but I don't think it's on porpoise.

 

I pity the archeologist. His career is in ruins.

 

I tried to write a drinking song once, but I couldn't get past the first bar.

 

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

 

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

 

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

 

"I was in Mercy, Australia, and I was served tea made from the hair of a koala." "How was it?" "Oh, it was awful. It was filled with koala hair!" "Well, you know, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

 

I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

 

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

 

I wouldn't want to be a miner; it's such a boring job!

 

I'm an incorrigible punster, so don't corrige me!

 

If a Neanderthal wanders around aimlessly, does that make him a Meanderthal man?

 

If I hated my house and fell in love with my office building, would that be an edifice complex?

 

If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns!

 

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

 

"If you've got the Monet, honey, I've got the time."

 

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

 

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

 

Isn't "dumb blonde" a peroxymoron?

 

Leif Erickson went off on his voyage to the New World and a couple years passed and his wife found his name missing from the town register and she went to the census taker to complain, she said, "You must have taken Leif off your census."

 

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
     After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.
     The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
     "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
     Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
     She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be . . ."
     "Yes, I'm afraid so — I am the chip monk."

 

Mahatma Gandhi was a great and spiritual man who spent his life walking the length of India and fasting. As a result, he was thin and frail with roughened feet and bad breath caused by the fasting. In fact, he was often referred to as a super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

 

Many years ago, a tiny island nation in the South Pacific was home to some of the finest woodworkers who ever lived. Unfortunately, no one ever found about these legendary artisans since the only pieces they ever produced were thrones for the king of the island. It was a tradition that every year, on the first day of summer, the old throne would be burned in a massive bonfire and the woodworkers would present the king with their newest masterpiece, an ornate and beautiful throne they spent all year carving and shaping. The king would rule from the new royal seat and then destroy it at the next year's summer festival.
     One year, a new king ascended to the throne and spoke to his council of elders. "It's a foolish thing to take these beautiful pieces of art and destroy them every year! Someone should save them for future generations to enjoy."
     But one of his ministers quickly pointed out, "Sire, this is a small island, and much of the land has been taken. We have no room to build a museum."
     Thinking quickly, the king proposed a solution. "I have the answer. We will build a second story onto the royal hut, and we shall store the thrones there."
     The king's plan worked beautifully for a few years. Every year, he would summon the strongest men on the island to carry the thrones up into the second floor of the royal hut and add them to the collection. But on the fifth year, the floor finally could take no more, and the royal hut collapsed, killing the king and his whole family.
     The moral of the story? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

 

Missouri loves companies.

 

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

 

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 

OBITUARY: Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

Outside a small Macedonian village, close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of a site of significant historic developments. The convent once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.
     The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple.
     When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.
     And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

 

Punning is truly a rewording experience.

 

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

 

Recently a man in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

 

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

 

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

 

Seven days without puns makes one weak.

 

She was only the moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still!

 

She was only the stableman's daughter, but all the horsemen knew 'er.

 

Shotgun wedding — A case of wife or death.

 

Show me a famous composer's liquor cabinet and I'll show you Beethoven's Fifth.

 

Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

 

Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea ... "

 

Sign on Music Store: "Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00, Offenbach at 2:00."

 

So Nero says to his chief financial advisor, "Why isn't the amphitheater making any money?" The advisor replied, "The lions are eating all our prophets."

 

So this man entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different entries hoping one would win, but unfortunately no pun in ten did.

 

Spring, the time of year when boys feel gallant and gals buoyant.

 

Stamp out philately!

 

Steinbeck theme restaurant: Of Mice and Menu.

 

The human cannonball decided to retire from the circus and he told the circus owner he was too old to go on being shot across the circus arena and into a net night after night and the owner said, "But you can't quit! Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"

 

The instructor of a freshman English course had his students write a paper about folks in high society. One coed's paper began with a bang: "The Duchess of Dogwood was descending a staircase in the palace when she, tripped, fell, and lay prostitute on the floor." The professor circled the incorrect word and penciled this comment in the margin: "Dear Miss James: You must learn to distinguish between a fallen woman and one who has merely temporarily lost her balance."

 

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

 

The municipal elections in the Welsh town of Earl Grey were in full swing. The polls seemed to be leaning towards the incumbent mayor. "She's been in office since 1972," said one pollster. "Yes, but the Earl Grey mayor she ain't what she used to be."

 

The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line.

 

The song was ended but the malady lingers on.

 

Then there was the farmer who didn't realize he was growing crops on a former nuclear test site. Everyone who ate his produce came down with atomic ache.

 

There were identical twins, born in Greece and separated at birth — put up for adoption. One was sent off to Saudi Arabia and he was named Amal. And the other one was sent off to Spain, and he was named Juan. And their relatives arranged for a reunion, many years later. It was a big event, and everyone showed up at the airport in Greece to greet the twins. The plane from Spain landed, and Juan came off to the plane, to the delight of the crowd. And they waited for the plane from Saudi Arabia, and soon it arrived, but Amal wasn't there — he'd missed the plane. And one relative said to the other, "Well, they are identical twins. And if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

There were two boll weevils who grew up in Dallas. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind on the farm and never amounted to much. I guess you'd say he was the lesser of two weevils.

 

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so — thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

Three gents in a bar are discussing a female acquaintance who is trying to have a family without success. The first says, "I believe she is impregnable." The second says, "I think she is inconceivable." The third disagreed, saying "You're both off the mark, she is obviously unbearable."

 

'Tis better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

 

To err is human, to moo bovine.

 

Toupee or not toupee, that is the question.

 

Two clones were standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon, one of them cursing wildly. The other one, tired of hearing all the profanity, pushed the cursing one into the Canyon. The police were called and immediately arrested the survivor. He was charged with making and obscene clone fall.

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in The craft sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

Two peanuts were walking in Central Park, and one was assaulted.

 

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, “Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn’t the pilot’s fault, and it wasn’t the plane’s fault.  It was the asphalt.”

 

We are pleased to announce that Lois Bidder has been promoted to our Purchasing Department.

 

Weren't you embarrassed when you fell in the wet cement? Embarrassed — I was mortarfied.

 

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam.

 

What did the lady bullet say to the male bullet? We're going to have a BB.

 

What did the necktie say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll just hang around.

 

What do you call a Norwegian car? A Fjord.

 

What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A receding hareline.

 

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

 

What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with a border collie? Melancholy babies.

 

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart.

 

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

 

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore.
When an eel bites your hand and that's not what you planned, that's a moray.
When our habits are strange and our customs deranged, that's our mores.
When your horse munches straw and the bales total four, that's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife, he gets stabbed with a knife, that's a Moor, eh?

 

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

When kissing flowers, remember, tulips are better than one.

 

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

 

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

 

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

 

Where did the little king keep his little armies? Up his little sleevies.

 

Where do otters come from? Otter Space.

 

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump dump dump!

 

Who yelled "Coming are the British! Coming are the British!"? Paul Reverse.

 

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? He wanted to make up for a lousy summer.

 

Why did the Indian have a hard time getting into the hotel? He didn't have a reservation.

 

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Cuz he was a fungi! Why did the fungi leave the party? Cuz there wasn't mushroom!

 

Why is a moon rock tastier than an earth rock? Because its a little meteor.

 

Why should you never fly with Peter Pan? Because you'll Never Never land.

 

Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball? She ran away from the ball and she had a pumpkin for a coach.

 

Why was the archeologist depressed? His career was in ruins.

 

Why was the baby ant so confused? Because all his uncles were ants.

 

Why was the piece of limestone upset? Because it was always taken for granite.

 

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 

Without geometry, life is pointless.

 

You know why melons don't get married? They cantaloupe.

 

What did Cinderella say when her pictures didn't arrive? "Some day my prints will come..."

 

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 

Q: Why do people groan when a pun is told?
A: A pun is often considered obvious humor, since the person relating it is merely balancing the humor in it on a twist of a word’s meaning or sound.  Children love this type of obvious humor and can laugh at it without reproachments.  Adults, on the other hand, are filled with what the early Romans referred to as ‘punus envy’ (a term derived from the Latin “epunibus unim,” loosely translated as “why think of that didn’t I?”). It is this envy in adults that subconsciously causes them to groan upon hearing a pun.  As man evolves, it can only be hoped that he will eventually learn to react more like a child and less like a groan-up!
     The Pun FAQtory
     http://www.irregardless.net/punster/puns.html
     The Unofficial FAQ for the UseNet newsgroup alt.humor.puns

 

 

The Van Gogh Family Tree

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
     His obnoxious brother : Please Gogh
     His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
     The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
     The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
     The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
     The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh
     The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
     The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
     His magician uncle: Wheredid D. Gogh
     His Mexican cousin: Ahmee Gogh
     The Mexican cousin's Anglo half brother: Grin Gogh
     The nephew who drove a stagecoach: Wellsfar Gogh
     The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
     A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
     The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
     His nephew psycoanalyst: E. Gogh
     The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
     An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
     The little bouncy nephew: Poh Gogh
     And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

And so it goghs, eh?

 

 

The Ho Family

  1. Famous Hawaiian singer Don Ho
  2. Swiss milkmaid Heidi Ho
  3. Salvation Army Santa Claus Ho Ho
  4. Marine General Gung Ho
  5. English Fox hunter Talley Ho
  6. New York City artist So Ho
  7. Wagon train leader Westward Ho
  8. Female potato grower Ida Ho
  9. SUV designer Ta Ho
  10. New Jersey longshoreman Heave Ho
  11. San Francisco 1970's flower child Hi Ho
  12. Native American twins Arapa Ho and Nava Ho
  13. Farm implement manufacturer Garden Ho