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668 — Neighbor of the Beast
A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
A day without sunshine is like . . . night
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A freighter left Japan with 10,000 cases of yo-yos to deliver to the USA. It ran into a storm and sank 141 times.
A man should be greater than some of his parts.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He says to the bartender: "A pint for me, and one for the road."
A naked man fears no pick-pockets.
A palindrome: Retteb sif lahd, noces ehttub, but the second half is better.
Adolescence is the stage between infancy and adultery.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
All the world's a stage, and I missed rehearsal.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.
Anybody who believes you can't change history has never tried to write his memoirs.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Been there, done that and have the tee-shirt to prove it.
Better living through denial.
Blessed are they who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Boldly going nowhere.
Chaos, panic, and disorder — my work here is done.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Clairvoyants' meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Constant change is here to stay.
Couldn't myself have better it said.
Department of Redundancy Department
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines, aren't they?
Did you hear about the invisible man who married the invisible woman? Yeah, their kids aren't much to look at either.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.
Did you hear that after she broke her leg, Picabo Street, the Olympic skier, is donating money for a very special hospital wing? It's going to be called the Picabo ICU.
Did you hear they took the word "gullible" out of the dictionary?
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your genes.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.
Disclaimer: Written by a highly caffeinated mammal.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Does this bus go to Duluth? No, this bus goes beep beep.
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't sweat petty things — or pet sweaty things.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Drink wet cement and get really stoned.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everyone is gifted, but some open the package sooner.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
Forget about world peace — visualize using your turn signal!
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
From the Department of Redundancy Department.
Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Happiness is a failure to understand how bad things really are.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
He was the number one laxative salesman in the whole United States, but he was just a regular guy.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
"Hello? Is this the fire department?" "Yes." "Listen, my house is on fire, you've got to come right away, it's terrible." "O.K., how do we get to your house?" "You don't have those big red trucks anymore?"
Help fight continental drift.
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Hickory, dickory, dock
Three mice ran up a clock
The clock struck two
And the other one got away with minor injuries.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Housework done properly can kill you.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand!
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I had an uncle who was a photographer and an art thief. No matter what he did, he was always taking pictures.
I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
I know karate, kung fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK — they know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
I suffer occasional delusions of adequacy.
I take my desires for reality because I believe in the reality of my desires.
I thought I was wrong but I was mistaken.
I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I'm an absolute, off-the-wall fanatical moderate.
I'm an influential person, gravitationally speaking.
"I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV."
I'm not fat, just horizontally disproportionate.
I'm sorry, reality is not in service at this time.
I'm too smart to let my intelligence go to my head.
I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't even have to be present.
I've had fun before. This isn't it.
If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If it wasn't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.
If less is more think how much more, more would be.
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
"If we do happen to step on a mine, sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
Imagery is all in the mind.
Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality
In an English room the students were talking about the plural of animals. The teacher asked, "If a group of cows is a herd, and a group of sheep is a flock, what is a group of camels called?" A none-too-bright pupil in the back exclaimed, "A carton."
In the aviation class a pupil asked, "What if a flyer jumps from a plane and his parachute doesn't open?" "That," said the teacher, "would be called 'jumping to a conclusion.'"
In the words of Harpo Marx . . .
Individualists of the world, UNITE!
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
"Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half." "Good; I'll take two of them."
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?!"
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you; laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Let a smile be your umbrella, because you're going to get soaked anyway.
Life is like a car wash and I'm on a bicycle.
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
Meandering to a different drummer.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Modesty: The art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how wonderful you are.
Mother is the invention of necessity.
My brain has a mind of its own.
"My great grandfather was killed 75 years ago in a parachute jump."
"They didn't have parachutes 75 years ago."
"I know. That's how he got killed."
Never argue with a stupid person. First they'll drag you down to their level, then they will beat you with experience.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from them.
Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
O give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play,
Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.
Oh no, not another learning experience!
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Old boomerangs are hard to throw away.
One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
Open mouth. Insert foot. Chew carefully.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Palindrome isn't one.
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of us who do.
Petroleum and coffee had no value a few centuries ago.
Plan to be spontaneous — tomorrow.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Practice random and senseless acts of intelligence and self-control.
Question Authority, ask me anything.
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Really? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!
Reduce carbon dioxide emissions — stop breathing.
Rehab Is for Quitters
Remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
This one doesn't
Save energy: be apathetic.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific,
Fain would I fathom thy nature specific,
Loftily poised in ether capacious,
Strongly resembling a gem carbonaceous.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Simon says: don't be so suggestible.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Speaking only for myself, one of my many tricks.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
"Stupid" is a boundless concept.
Stupidity is an emergent property of the human race.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
The best way to get praise is to die.
The Czech's in the mail. Sending Frenchman by FAX.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can which, when discarded, will last forever . . . and a fifteen thousand dollar car which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years.
The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
The only thing I have time for is procrastinating.
The only way to get rid of corruption in high places is to get rid of high places.
The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.
The pendulum has gone full circle.
The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The simple explanation always follows the complex solution.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
The truth is the safest lie.
The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success.
The wages of sin are unreported.
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
The world is divided into people who think they are right.
There are few problems in life that wouldn't be eased by the proper application of high explosives.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
There was a young girl from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two.
There's a new manual out on how to be spontaneous.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
They say you can't have too much of a good thing. Man I wish I was part of that study!
They told me I was gullible, and I believed them!
Think "HONK" if you're a telepath.
This line intentionally left unjustified.
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Three out of four Americans make up 75% of the population.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
'Tis better to have loved a short than to never have loved a tall.
'Tis better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
To be or not to be — I think its a trick question.
To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
Try to get back on topic, he said moderately.
Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Warning: Whimsical when bored.
We don't solve our problems, we simply learn to live with them.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We're as similar as two dissimilar things in a pod.
What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common? They don't have to catch anything to be happy.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
What do you call a snowman in the desert? A puddle.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
What happens when you forget to pay your exorcist's bill? You get re-possessed.
What if the "Hokey Pokey" is really what it's all about?
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
What starts with “e” and ends with “e” but contains only one letter? An envelope.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, Whack, Oh no! A bad skydiver goes Oh no!, Whack!
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
Without Time, everything would happen at once.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
You don't have to be a cannibal to get fed up with people.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You hit the nail right between the eyes.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.