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A guy walks into a bar and says, "I just heard a great redneck joke!" A HUGE guy stands up off a barstool and says, "Just a minute, buddy. Before you tell that joke, I'm Jake. I'm six-three and weigh two-eighty, all muscle. And I'm a redneck. That guy over there is a professional wrestler, and he's a redneck. And the guy behind the bar has a pistol next to the cash register and he's a redneck, too. Now, you really want to tell that joke?" And the fellow thinks and says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three different times."
A Wisconsin man got a job with the Minnesota highway department painting lines down the center of the highway. The supervisor told him he was expected to paint two miles of highway a day, and the man started work the next day. The first day the man painted four miles. The supervisor thought, "Great." The next day the man only painted two miles but the supervisor thought, "Well, it's good enough." But the third day the man only painted one mile and the Boss went out to talk to him. He said, "Is there a problem? An injury? Some reason you keep painting less and less highway?" "Well, I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."
A young man from Texas walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies, "You got any ID?" The Texan says, "Any idea about what?"
Did you hear about the hurricane that hit New Jersey and inflicted eleven million dollars of improvements?
Did you hear Ole's nephew Torvald won a gold medal at the Olympics? He had it bronzed.
Do you hear about the Finnish husband who loved his wife so much he almost told her?
"Hello? Funeral home?" "Yes?" "It's Ole. My wife Lena died." "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. We'll send someone right away to pick up the body. Where do you live?" "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." "Can you spell that for me?" "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"
How can you tell when you're talking to a Finnish extrovert? He looks at your shoes.
"I need to buy some boards there, Sven." "How long you want 'em, Ole?" "Long time. I'm building a house, ya know."
Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and Sven says, "The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400." "Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of 'em than we did."
Once there was a Norwegian who took his wife with him wherever he went so that he wouldn't have to kiss her good-bye.
One day, Sven and Ole were hunting, and suddenly a man came running out of the bushes yelling, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'm not a deer!" Ole raised his gun and shot him dead. Sven said, "Ole, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn't a deer!" And Ole replied, "Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!"
Only in America ...
... can a pizza get to your house faster then an ambulance.
... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and diet coke.
... do banks leave both doors wide open and then chain the pens to the counter.
... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars out in the driveway and keep useless pieces of junk in the garage.
... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
... do we buy hot-dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
... do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
So Lena was competing in the Sons of Norway Swim Meet and she came in in last place in the hundred-yard breast stroke and she said to the judges "Oh say, I don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls were using der arms"!
So Ole got a car phone and on his way home on the freeway, he calls up Lena and he says, "Oh, Lena, I'm calling you from the freeway on my new car phone," and Lena says, "Be careful because on the radio they say that some nut is driving the wrong way on the freeway," and Ole says, "One nut heck, there are hundreds of them!"
"So, Ole, I see you got a sign up that says, 'Boat For Sale.' But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine." "Yup, and they're boat for sale."
So the Iowan walks into the hardware store to buy a chain saw. He says, "I want one that'll cut down about ten trees in an hour." So the clerk sells him one. The next day, the Iowan comes in all upset and says, "Hey, this chain saw only cut down one little tree in one hour!" The clerk said, "Gee, Let me take a look at it." And he pulled on the starter rope and the saw started up and the Iowan said, "Hey, what's that noise?"
Sven and Ole went out duck hunting, and they worked at it for a couple hours and finally Sven says: "I wonder why aren't we getting any ducks, Ole?" "I don't know. I wonder if we're throwing the dog high enough."
The difference between Los Angeles and yogurt is that yogurt has an active, living culture.
The reason New Yorkers are depressed is because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
These two North Dakotans rented a boat and fished in the lake and they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, "We ought to mark this spot so we can come here tomorrow." And the other said, "Okay, how about I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat?" The first one said, "Wait just a minute — what if we don't get that same boat tomorrow?"
Two North Dakotans are skydiving. One jumps out the plane and pulls the cord and nothing happens. So he pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The other one jumps out of the plane and yells, "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Two North Dakotans come into a bar and they buy drinks for everybody in the place. They were celebrating and whooping it up, slapping everybody on the back. So the bartender says, "What are you whooping it up for? What's the occasion?" They said, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took us two months!" The bartender said, "Two months! What's the big deal? It shouldn't take that long to do a jigsaw puzzle!" "Oh yeah?" says one of the North Dakotans. "On the box it said 2 to 4 years!"