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Religious Jokes

 

A Buddhist monk strode into a Zen pizza parlor and said, "Make me one with everything." When he got his order, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill, which the guy pocketed. "Hey," asked the monk, "where's my change?" "Change," replied the owner inscrutably, "must come from within."

 

A fella from Boston dies and goes to Hell. Satan says, "We're gonna make you miserable." He cranks up the thermostat to 95. "No problem. Just like Boston in June," he says. So Satan cranks it up to 105. "No problem. Just like Boston in July." Satan's getting angry. He tries a new tactic. He punches the thermostat all the way down as low as it can go. 100 below zero. The whole place is frozen. The guy from Boston starts jumping up and down, laughing and shouting at the top of his voice, "Allright! The Red Sox won the World Series!"

 

A guy enters the monastery and he has to take a vow of silence, but once a year he can write a word on the chalkboard in front of the head monk. And so the first year, it's tough not to talk, but Word Day comes around and the monk writes, "The" on the chalkboard. And the second year is very painful — it's very difficult not to talk — and finally the Word Day rolls around. The monk scratches "food" on the chalkboard and enters his third year, which is excruciating, and the monk struggles through it, and when the day rolls around again, he writes "stinks." And the head monk says, "What's with you? You've been here for three years and all you've done is complain.

 

A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?" God responded, "Yes?" And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?" "Go right ahead," God said. "God, what is a million years to you?" God said, "A million years to me is only a second." "Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny." So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?" And God cheerfully said, "Sure! Just a second."

 

A minister died and went to heaven and ahead of him at the Pearly Gate was a guy in sunglasses and a leather jacket and the guy said to St. Peter. "I'm Joe Nestorenko, cabdriver of Las Vegas." Saint Peter gave him a golden robe and golden staff and then it was the minister's turn. "I am Elmer Lundberg, pastor of Zion Lutheran for forty five years." Saint Peter gave him a cotton robe and wooden staff." "But that man was a taxi driver? and he gets a golden robe? and golden staff?" And St. Peter said, "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

 

Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent and the serpent didn't have a leg to stand on.

 

Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.

 

God calls up the Pope and says, "I've got some good news, and some bad news." God says, "I've decided that there should be one church, and one religion. No more confusion." The Pope says, "That's wonderful." God says, "The bad news is: I'm calling from Salt Lake City."

 

God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project.

 

God was talking to one of his angels. He said, "I just figured out how to rotate the Earth so it creates this really incredible 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness." The angel said, "What are you going to do now?" God says, "Call it a day."

 

Heck Is Where People Go Who Don't Believe In Gosh

 

How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

 

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

 

"I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have someone around for company." "Okay," replied God. "I'll give you the perfect companion. She is beautiful, intelligent and gracious, she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word." "Sounds great," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?" "An arm and a leg" answered God. "That's pretty steep," replied Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"

 

"Madame Fortune Teller, tell me: Are there golf courses in heaven?" "I have good news, and I have bad news." "What's the good news?" "The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!" "That's wonderful." "And you'll be teeing off at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

 

Three engineers are arguing about which is better, mechanical engineering, or electrical, or civil — and the mechanical engineer says, "God must've been a mechanical engineer — look at the joints in the human body." And the second says, "No, God must've been an electrical engineer — look at the nervous system." And the third said: "God had to be a civil engineer, cause who else would've run a waste disposal pipeline right through a great recreational area?"

 

What do you get when you cross a Lutheran and a Buddhist? Someone who sits up all night worrying about nothingness.

 

What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone out knocking on doors for no apparent reason.

 

Why didn't Noah go fishing that often? He only had two worms.