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Really Cheap Thoughts

 

Why Ask Why?
The Great (?) Unanswered Questions of Life
(which probably shouldn't have been asked in the first place)

 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

 

Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?

 

Can you beat the drum of your ear?

 

Can your eyes be called an school, because there are pupils there?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

 

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

 

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

 

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

 

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

 

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

 

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

 

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

 

How can there be self-help "groups"?

 

How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?

 

How come we choose between two people for president, but 50 for Miss America?

 

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

 

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

 

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

 

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

 

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

 

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

 

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

 

If cops hang out at donut shops, why don't bakers hang out at police stations?

 

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

 

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

 

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all drown?

 

If the black box survives a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

 

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconuts, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

 

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

 

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to order all that stuff from Acme, why didn't he just buy dinner?

 

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

 

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?

 

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

 

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

 

If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth, would you use the nails on your toes?

 

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

 

If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?

 

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

 

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

 

Is it possible to be totally partial?

 

Is the glass half empty, or half full, or twice as big as it needs to be?

 

Let’s say you’re interested in local politics. An election is going to be held in your town soon, so you decide to run for one of the offices. You throw your hat in the ring.  Some time goes by, and it becomes apparent that you’re not going to get elected, so you decide to give up. You throw in the towel.  After the election is over, do you get your hat and towel back?

 

What crosses the bridge of your nose?

 

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

 

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

 

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

 

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

 

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

 

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

 

Where can you buy the key to a lock of your hair?

 

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?

 

Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless oranges?

 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

 

Why are boxing rings square?

 

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

 

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

 

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

 

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

 

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

 

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

 

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

 

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

 

Why do they report power outages on TV?

 

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

 

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

 

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

 

Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" when we are already there?

 

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both dogs!

 

Why does it matter if we all put our pants on one leg at a time?

 

Why does quicksand work slowly?

 

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

Why get even, when you can get odd?

 

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

 

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are a billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

 

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

 

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

 

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

 

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

 

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

 

Why, when lights are out, they are invisible, but when the stars are out, they are visible?

 

Will there ever be any unforeseen circumstances?

 

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

 

Would I ask you a rhetorical question?