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Men and Women

 

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

 

A girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents and they were horrified by his greasy hair, his tattoos, his dirty language, his air of hostility, and after he left, the father said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person." And the daughter said, "Dad, if he wasn't a nice person, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

 

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

 

A young woman was walking down the street when she saw a funeral procession come by. A hearse, followed by an old woman in black walking a pit bull on a leash, followed by another hearse, followed by two hundred women walking single file. The young woman said, "Pardon me for intruding at this private moment, but whose funeral is it?" And the old woman said, "Well, my husband is in that hearse up there. He was attacked and killed by my dog, who also killed my husband's girlfriend, who is in that hearse back there." The young woman said, "Could I borrow that dog?" The old woman said, "Get in line."

 

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
     She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
     The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
     The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants him back?"

 

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

 

Actually, my wife and I were happy for twenty years. And then we met.

 

Ad seen in the New York Times last week: FOR SALE BY OWNER — Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent Condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

 

All men are idiots — I married their king.

 

"Do you ever notice the Wymans next door? How loving they are? How he always puts his arms around her and kisses her when he comes home? Why don't you do that?" "If I knew her better, I would."

 

"Doctor, my wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" "No, this is her husband!"

 

Eve was talking with God in the Garden of Eden, and she said, "God I have a problem. It's a beautiful garden, but I'm lonely and I'm sick of eating apples." "Okay. I'll create a man for you." "What's a man?" "He's a creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego who doesn't listen and gets lost a lot, but he's big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals and he's fun in bed." "Sounds great!" "There's just one other thing. He's going to want to believe I made him first."

 

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

 

Get a new car for your spouse — it'll be a great trade!

 

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

 

"Hey, nice earring. How long have you been wearing it?" "Ever since my wife found it in the car."

 

"Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery." "Wow! Great! Should I pack for the beach or for a cruise or what?" "I don't care, just get the hell out."

 

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

 

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

 

I decided that instead of getting married, I'd just buy a dog, because you know, after the first year, a dog is still excited to see you.

 

I decided to take up jogging so I could hear heavy breathing again.

 

I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

 

I wouldn't say that my husband eats like a pig; he suffers from "reverse bulimia". He's not short and fat; I'd say he is "anatomically compact." We don't call it a beer belly; it's a "liquid grain storage facility." He isn't silent; he is simply a "conversational minimalist." He doesn't get lost; he "discovers alternative destinations."

 

I'm glad my wife became a feminist. Now she complains about all men, not just me.

 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 

If you love something, set it free. If it returns you have not lost it. If it disappears and never comes back, then it was never yours to begin with. And if it just sits there watching television, unaware that it has been set free — then you probably married it.

 

It was Mr. Ryan's funeral and the pallbearers were carrying the casket out from the church when they bumped into a pillar, and one of them heard a moan from inside the casket, and they opened it and found that Mr. Ryan was still alive. He lived for ten more years and then he finally died and the funeral was held and at the end the pallbearers were carrying out the casket, and Mrs. Ryan said, "Watch out for that pillar!"

 

Love is blind, and marriage is a real eye-opener.

 

Love is grand. Divorce is a couple of hundred grand.

 

Man #1: My wife and I went on a holiday to the Caribbean.
Man #2: Jamaica?
Man #1: No, she went of her own free will.

 

Marriage is nature's way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.

 

"May I help you, sir?" "Yes, I, uh, well, this is sort of embarrassing, but, I'm going out on a date tonight, and you know — I need some, you know —" "You need some protection." "Right." "Small, medium, or large?" "Uhhhh. I guess, medium." "Okay, that'll be $2.35 including tax." "Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

 

My husband is on a new diet. He's losing five pounds a week. In a year and a half, I'll be rid of him completely.

 

My wife has been great. In just three years of marriage, she's gotten me to stop drinking, stop smoking, taught me how to dress well, how to enjoy music and painting and fine literature, how to cook gourmet meals, and how to have confidence in myself. So I'm getting a divorce. Frankly, I don't think she's good enough for me.

 

My wife went to a self-help group for compulsive talkers. It's called On and On Anon.

 

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

 

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

 

One morning, the devil decided to go to church, and he appeared suddenly just before the offering, in a shower of flame and sparks and smoke, and ran up and down the aisle screaming and all of the congregation ran out except for an old man sitting in back. The devil leaned over him and shook his spear and let out a ferocious roar and cried, "I am Satan, Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness, I am evil incarnate. Do you not fear me?" The old man said, "Why should I? Been married to your sister for 48 years."

 

Personal ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.

 

Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

 

"Say, I went and bought Lena a piano for her birthday and then about a week later I traded it in for a clarinet, because you know, with a clarinet, you can't sing."

 

Scientists have discovered a new food that lowers the male sex drive. Wedding Cake.

 

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

 

"So, what'll it be, mister?" "Tell you what. I want eggs hard and burned around the edges, I want my bacon burnt to a crisp, and I want my toast blackened and hard, I want my coffee bitter, and when you bring me my food, I want you to yell at me." "What, are you crazy?" "No, I'm homesick."

 

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

 

These two guys were walking down the fairway when a funeral procession went by the golf course, and one guy was just about to play his 3-iron shot, but he stopped, took off his hat and bowed his head while the procession went by. Then he lined up his shot, and the second guy said, "You're really a sensitive person, noticing that funeral and everything," and the first guy said, "Yeah, well — we would have been married 25 years tomorrow."

 

Very few things upset my wife and it makes me feel special to be one of them.

 

We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

 

What's the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.

 

Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

 

"You know, honey, you've always been with me through all my troubles. Through all my bad times, you've been there." "Don't try to talk, darling." " When I got fired, you were there. When my business went down the toilet, you were there. When I had the first heart attack, you were there, and when we lost the house, and then when I got liver cancer, you were always by my side. You know something?" "What?" "I think you're bad luck."