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A drug is a substance which when injected into a guinea pig produces a scientific paper.
A fellow accidentally ingested some alpha-L-glucose and discovered that he had no ill effects. Apparently he was ambidextrose.
A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.
As we took notes, out anatomy instructor labored through a lecture on the way nerve cells transmit impulses. "Who can tell me how these cells communicate with one another?" he asked, expecting someone to explain the phenomenon of neurotransmission. After a few muffled whispers, one student finally spoke up. "With cellular phones?"
As what did the antibody go to the Halloween costume party? As an "immunogobulin."
Biology final exam: Create life. Justify your answer.
Biology grows on you.
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
Clones are people two.
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
Harvard's Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
How does one amoebae contact another amoebae? With a cell phone.
If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
If the answers to the ornithology test questions are difficult to remember, I guess I'm just going to have to wing it the best I can.
In biology class the teacher was explaining that germs always work in large groups. The class clown piped up, "That would explain then why no one has ever come down with the measle."
Life is a disease, sexually transmitted and invariably fatal.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it!
Life is just nature's way of keeping meat fresh.
Support bacteria — it's the only culture some people have!
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Why didn't the dendrochronologist get married? All he ever dated was trees!
Why I Am A Biologist: When I first started out, I was going to be a mathematician. So I took algebra, but I found that was highly variable. So, I tried geometry. And that's where I learned all the angles. Then I took calculus. That was truly an integrating experience, but it definitely had its limits. After a great deal of consideration, I decided to turn away from math and give some serious thought to science. I tried geology, but found that was kind of hard. Next I tried physics but I knew that would never work. And even though I'd heard chemists had all the solutions, I finally opted for biology because, after all, it's a living.
Anabolism, n. People eating people
Antibody, n. Against everyone.
Antidote, n. A brief, amusing story.
Artery, n. The study of fine paintings.
Asymmetry, n. Where you bury dead people.
Bacteria, n. Back door to a cafeteria.
Barium, v. What you do when CPR fails.
Benign, adj. What you be after you be eight.
Bowel, n. Letters like A, E, I, O, or U.
Cardiology, n. Advanced study of poker playing.
Cat scan, n. Searching for ones' lost kitty.
Cauterize, n. Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section, n. A district in Rome.
Colic, n. A sheep dog.
Coma, n. A punctuation mark.
Congenital, n. Friendly.
Cortizone, n. The local courthouse.
Dilate, v. To live long.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub'ma), n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
Enema, n. Not a friend.
ER, n. The things on your head that you hear with.
Fester, adj. Quicker.
Fibrillate, n. To tell lies.
Fibula, n. A small lie.
Flatulence, n. The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Genes, n. Blue denim slacks.
GI series, n. The world series of military baseball.
Grippe, n. A suitcase.
Hangnail, n. A coat hook.
Hemaglobe, n. The bloody state of the world.
Hemorrhoid, n. A male from outer space.
Hipatitis, n. Terminal coolness.
Hippocampus, n. Where hippos go to university.
Hydrophobic, adj. Fear of your water bill.
ICU, n. Peek-a-boo.
Impotent, n. Distinguished, well known.
Labor pain, n. Hurt at work.
Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
Medical staff, n. A doctor's cane.
Microtome, n. An itty bitty book.
Minor operation, n. Somebody else's.
Morbid, n. A higher offer.
Organ transplant, n. What you do to your piano when you move.
Outpatient, n. A person who has fainted.
Paralyze, n. Two far-fetched stories.
Paramecium, n. Two Latin mice.
Pathological, n. A reasonable way to go.
Pelvis, n. A cousin of Elvis.
Pharmacist, n. Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture.
Plastid, n. Drunk.
Post-operative, n. A letter carrier.
Pre-minstrel syndrome, n. A terrible anxiety felt by shy people before singing in public.
Prokaryote, n. In favor of take-out food.
Protein, n. In favor of young people.
Recovery room, n. A place to do upholstery.
Rectum, n. Darn near killed him.
Red blood count, n. Dracula.
Rheumatic, adj. Amorous.
Secretion, n. Hiding anything.
Seizure, n. A Roman emperor.
Serology, n. Study of English knighthood.
Shin, n. A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Suture self, n. A home medical kit.
Terminal illness, n. Getting sick at the airport.
Tibia, n. Country in North Africa.
Triple bypass, n. Better than a quarterback sneak.
Tumor, n. An extra pair.
Urine, n. Opposite of you're out.
Varicose, n. Very close.
Vein, adj. Conceited.