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Physics and Astronomy Jokes
From Bad To Verse
Other Names For "The Big Bang"
A Black Hole is a tunnel at the end of light.
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
A neutrino walks into a bar . . . and keeps right on going.
A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He fainted, but came to after a while and started smiling. The onlookers were worried, so they asked him why the smile. "I just realized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only one-half m v squared."
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.
Astronomer #1: So anyway the cop pulls me over and asks if I realized that I
had just run a red light. So I said that I did not see the light as being red,
because it must have blue-shifted as I was approaching it.
Astronomer #2: And he let you go?
Astronomer #1: No. He gave me a speeding ticket instead.
Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.
Black holes are out of sight.
Bohr moved in atomic circles while Schrodinger waved and Heisenberg hesitated.
Did you hear about the colorblind physicist who flunked quantum chromodynamics, and then was annihilated by his antimatter self he met through a dating service?
Did you hear about the criminal photon that was arrested and sent to prism?
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Friction can be a drag sometimes.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Gravity isn't easy, but it's the law.
Heisenberg might have slept here.
How far can you see on a clear day? 93 million miles — from here to the Sun.
How many weeks are there in a light year?
I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.
I know that this defies the law of gravity, but, you see, I never studied law. (Bugs Bunny)
If the Titanic had struck a Heisenberg, would it still be floating?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
on the headlights?
[Actually, wondering about things like that
is almost exactly how Einstein came up with
the theory of relativity in the first place.]
Inertia makes the world go round.
Interstellar matter is a gas.
New Age shops sell negative ion generators, as it is thought by some that breathing negative ions boosts the immune system. I have also heard that you can save your money and pet your cat, as rubbing it's fur has the same effect. This is unfortunately nonscientific, because how can a negative ion be a cat ion?
Nuclear physicists often have trouble concentrating on one project because they have too many ions in the fire.
Overheard after a student failed a physics test miserably: nuclear, hydrogen, atomic, my test — they're all bombs.
Physics lesson: When a body is submerged in water, the phone rings.
Plasma is another matter.
Positrons are another matter.
Power corrupts, but we need electricity.
Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.
Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.
Resistance Is Useless! (If < 1 ohm)
Sign on railroad station: These railroads are subject to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: Position and Velocity of a given train can not be specified at the same time. (Sydney Harris)
Supernovae are a blast.
"The faster you go, the shorter you are" — Einstein
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
The Hubbell telescope works fine; all that stuff really is blurry!
The speed of time is one second per second.
Theoretical Physics is a science locally isomorphic to Mathematics.
There is no gravity. The earth sucks. (Grafitti)
There's no future in time travel.
Truth decays into beauty, while beauty soon becomes merely charm. Charm ends up as strangeness, and even that doesn't last, but up and down are forever." — The Laws of Physics
Two electron convicts are sitting in a jail cell together. The first one says, "What are you in for?" The second one says, "For attempting a forbidden transition."
U-238: Fission Impossible
Wanted, dead and alive: Schrodinger's cat
What did one photon say to the other photon? I'm sick and tired of your interference.
What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel and a nerdy physics major? A guy that has Maxwell's Equations tattooed on his chest.
Whatever the temperature of hell, I can prove that it is isothermal. We must begin by assuming that there is at least one physicist in hell. Most of us can think of a particular example. Now assume that some portion of hell is out of equilibrium, a bit hotter or colder than the rest. If so, then that physicist would build a heat engine and extract some energy, and use that energy to run a refrigerator. He would cool some other part of hell down until it was comfortable. But it is contrary to the definition of hell that any part of it should be comfortable. QED.
Why did the cat fall off the roof? Because he lost his µ. (µ = coefficient of friction)
Why did Werner Heisenberg hate driving cars? Because, every time he looked at the speedometer he got lost!
Why don't the Fermi and Bose soccer clubs ever play a match against each other? They can't agree about the spin of the ball.
"You're a proton" "Hey! that's a serious charge!"
A quantum mechanic's vacation
Had his colleagues in dire consternation.
For while studies had shown
That his speed was well known,
His position was pure speculation.
From way down in my cranium
This prediction I will make:
That if you eat uranium,
You'll get atomic ache.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? Change a light bulb? What's wrong with the dark? (or) None. Astronomers use standard candles. (or) Two. One to change the bulb, the other to complain about the light pollution.
How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb? If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
How many high-energy experimentalists does it take to change a light bulb? Two hundred. 136 to smash it to subatomic fragments and 64 to analyze them.
How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb. None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
You Might Be a Physicist if...
… the water in your kettle is boiling at 373 Kelvin.
… you know that the speed of light is 299,792.5 km/sec.
… you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
… you've already calculated how much you earn per second.
… you are sure that differential equations are a very useful tool.
… you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
… you know the second law of thermodynamics, but not your own shirt size.
… you avoid stirring your coffee because you don't want to increase the entropy of the universe.
… you try to explain entropy to strangers at your table during casual dinner conversation.
… your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
… you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of an experiment that actually takes five minutes to run.
You Might Be a Physics Student if ...
... if you have no life — and you can prove it mathematically.
... if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
... if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
... if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
... if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
... if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
... if you always do homework on Friday nights.
... if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
... if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
... if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
... if you have a pet named after a scientist.
... if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
... if the Humane Society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
... if you can translate English into Binary.
... if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
... If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
... if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
... if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
... if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
... if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
... if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
... if you understood more than five of these indicators.
... if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
A "Hellish" Thermodynamics Question
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
It was not revealed what grade the student got.
Periodically, people have attempted to come up with a "better" name for the beginning of the universe than "The Big Bang." So far, no one's ever come up with anything better, so we're stuck with it. Below are some of the more interesting attempts which I've seen on various web sites:
The Bottom Turtle
"That Point In Time When the Volume of the Universe Decreases to Approximately Zero, and Density Approaches Infinity, and the Combination of the Strong Nuclear Force and Electromagnetic Attraction Between Red and Blue Colored Quar — hey Steve, can't we think up a nickname for this?!?"
The Best Of Times, The First Of Times
The Grand Opening Sale
*Pop* Goes Existence!
The Time, Space & Energy Factory Outlet Sale
Dude, Where's My Void?
The Horrendous Space Kablooey (from "Calvin & Hobbes")
The Colossal Kaboom
My Parents Went to PanDimensional InternexusCon, and All I Got Was This Lousy Universe
Honey, I Blew Up the Cosmic Egg
What the heck was THAT!!!?
Ready or not, here I come
Bursting Star Sack
Hey, Looky There at That
Let There Be Stuff
Stupendous Space Spawning
The Primal Billowing
The Whole Enchilada
A Steven Spielberg-George Lucas Production
Well, I'll Be