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Academic Humor


A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.


A schoolteacher is a woman who used to think she liked small children.


A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.


After cautioning pupils not to cheat on a test, the teacher called up the dumb kid and accused him of cheating because the first five answers were just like the smart kid's answers that the dumb kid sat beside. The dumb kid assured the teacher, "So, maybe I knew the answers." The teacher said it was question number six that proved he was cheating because the smart kid wrote "I don't know" and the dumb kid wrote "Me neither."


An Educational Syllogism: Studying expands knowledge. Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Corruption is a crime. Crime doesn't pay. Why study?


"Dad, I'm going to a party; would you do my homework for me?" "I'm sorry, kid, but it just wouldn't be right." "Well, maybe not; give it a try anyway.


Down with ignurance!


How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ? None. That is what students are for.


How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes ten years. (or) It all depends on the size of the grant. (or) Two, and a professor to take credit. (or) 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day. (or) I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.


How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.


How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he gets three publications out of it. (or) Only one, but that's assuming he has enough graduate students to do the actual work.


"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." — English Professor, Ohio University


i souport publik edekasion


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


The teacher notices Billy doesn't seem to be paying attention in history class and suddenly asks, "Billy, what happened when Hannibal crossed the Alps with a hundred elephants?" And Billy says, "He got a mountain range that never forgets."


What do you do if you need to know a complex chemical formula? Well, a student memorizes it, an assistant professor looks it up in the handbook, and a full professor asks one of his students.


What is a thesis advisor? A thesis advisor is a revered figure you can go to for advice and assistance, and get . . . advice.



Final Exams Poem
Now I lay me down to study
I pray the Lord I won't go nutty
If I should fail to learn this junk
I pray the Lord I will not flunk
But if I do, don't pity me at all
Just lay my bones in the study hall
Tell my teacher I did my best
Then pile my books upon my chest
Now I lay me down to rest
If I should die before I wake
That's one less test I'll have to take



The Letter to Dad and the Dad's Reply:

Dear Dad,
     $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
                                                            Love, Your $on.

Dear Son,
     I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
                                                            Love, Dad



Daffy Definitions

Cafeteria, n. From two Latin words, "cafe" meaning place to eat and "teria" meaning "to wretch."


Grade, n. Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment.


Hunger, n. A condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying.


Major, n. Area of study that no longer interests you.


Quarter, n. The most coveted form of currency on campus.


Student Athlete, n. See "contraction in terms."


Summer School, n. A viable alternative to a summer job.




Signs American Students are Lacking Math and Science Skills:
Typical science students think the Energizer Bunny disproves that "conservation of energy" theory.
They think "Bill Nye the Science Guy" is a grunge band.
Hilarious "Top 5" list by purported high school graduate always has 12 or more entries.
One, they can't count. Three, they can't add.
Ranks of chemists thinned by constant mistaking of H2SO4 for H2O.
Hey, it's tough counting the number of beers in a six pack.
If they can't find a Number 2 pencil for a test, they bring half of a Number 3.
Most students can't locate the earth on a globe.
Your child consistently confuses "Pi-R-Squared" with "Pizza Pizza."
Actually, six out of five math teachers say there's no problem whatsoever.



You just might be a graduate student if …
… you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
… your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
… you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
… you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
… you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
… you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
… everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
… you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
… you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
… there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
… you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
… you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
… you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
… you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
… you consider all papers to be works in progress.
… you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
… you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
… professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
… you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
… you reflexively start analyzing those Greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
… you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade."
… you start referring to stories like "Snow White et al."
… you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
… you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
… you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
… you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication."



You might be in education if ...
… you believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
… you find humor in other people's stupidity
… you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3 and have summers free."
… you believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.
… when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child.
… when you mention vegetables, you are not talking about food.
… you think people should be required to get a permit before being allowed to reproduce.
… you believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
… you encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
… you believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in a middle school for at least five years.
… you can't have children because there isn't any name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
… you think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.



10 Things Teachers Say (and their true meanings)
1. This book is very commonly used. (I studied from it 40 years ago.)
2. It's important to understand what the material means in general. (I'm not good with details.)
3. Some might say . . . (My guess is . . .)
4. The answer to that question is in the syllabus. (I don't know the answer to your question.)
5. We'll discuss that question next week. (I need time to look it up.)
6. I'll let you search in the dictionary and find out. (I don't know how to spell that word.)
7. Some of you could have succeeded more in the test. (You all failed.)
8. Are there any questions about the material we learned last lesson? (Did any of you review the material as I asked?)
9. Today we'll split up into small studying groups. (I don't feel like teaching today so keep yourselves busy.)
10. The homework is due on Monday. (Ruining your weekend is the only fun I have left.)