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A Guy Goes Into A Bar . . .


A bar walks into a man. Oops, wrong frame of reference.


A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."


A brain goes into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry I can't serve you, you're out of your head!"


A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and his vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, even his boots are made of paper, even his spurs are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrested him for rustling.


A cowboy walks into the bar and asks for a whiskey. And suddenly another cowboy rushes in and yells, "Joe, Joe, hurry up, your house is on fire!' And the cowboy runs to the door and then he stops and he thinks: 'Hey — I ain't got no house!" Sits back down, drinks his whiskey, and suddenly another cowboy runs into the bar shouting: "Joe, Joe, hurry up, your father is dying! The cowboy jumps up and runs out and jumps on his horse and suddenly he remembers: "I ain't got no father!" So he walks back to the bar, sits down, finishes his drink and another cowboy bursts in and he yells: "Joe, Joe, hurry up, you won the lottery and there's a million bucks for you at the post office!" The cowboy jumps to his feet, runs out of the bar, jumps on his horse, gallops to the post office, dashes in, and then he says: "Hey! My name ain't Joe! It's Bob."


A duck walks into a bar, and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down around your ankles."


A Frenchman walks into a bar and he has a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot is wearing a baseball cap. And the bartender says, "Hey, that's neat — where did you get that?" And the parrot says, "France — they've got millions of them there."


A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper said, "Why would anyone name a drink Bob?"


A guy comes in with a frog on his head, and the bartender says, "Where did you get that?" And the frog says, "It started out as a little bump on my butt."


A guy goes into a bar and orders three separate shot glasses of Irish whiskey. He drinks all three. He does day after day after day, and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three of those shots into one glass for you." The guy says, "No, I prefer it this way. I have two brothers over in Ireland, and I love them. This glass right here is for Finnian and this one here is for Fergus, and this one is for me. This way I can feel like we here together having a drink." He comes in day after day after day, the bartender sets up three glasses. And then one day, the guy says, "Give me two shots today." "What happened? Did something happen to one of your brothers?" the bartender asked. "No, no, no," the guy said. "They're okay. It's just that I decided to quit drinking."


A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single-malt Scotch and downs them one after the other. The barkeep says, "You look like you're in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have," said the guy. "What have you got?" "Fifty cents."


A guy walks into a bar, and he has a drink. He looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, looks in his pocket, and orders another drink, and so on. And the bartender says, "What are you doing; what's in your pocket?" And the guy said, " It's a picture of my wife; when she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."


A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe and he says, "A beer for me, and one for my giraffe." They stand around drinking for hours until finally the giraffe passes out on the floor and the guy pays the tab and gets up to leave. "Hey! You're not going to leave that lyin' on the floor, are you?" "That's not a lion. It's a giraffe."


A horse walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "How come the long face?"


A man goes into a bar and says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender gives him one. He drinks it, and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He downs that one, and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He drinks that, and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." And the bartender says, "When's this trouble going to start?" The man says, "The trouble starts as soon as you realize that I don't have any money."


A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and sat and drank it and he heard a voice. "Nice tie." Nobody was there except him and the bartender. "Really cool shirt, too." He thought he must be losing his mind. "I like your hair that way." He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice." "Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary."


A man walked into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He told the bartender that the newt's name was Tiny. "Why?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" replied the man.


A man walked into a bar, looking sad, and the bartender asked him, "What's the matter?" "My wife and I had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month. And the month is up today."


A naked guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables wrapped around his neck and orders a Scotch and soda. The bartender says, "O.K., but don't start anything."


A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich." The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."


A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing here?" The pickle says, "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."


A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, you're food, and we don't serve food here."


A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this? A joke?"


A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer — and a mop."


A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." "Why not?" asks the snake. "You can't hold your liquor."


A termite went in a bar and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"


A tourist goes into a bar, and there's a dog sitting in a chair, playing poker. He says, "Is that dog really playing poker?" And the bartender says, "Yeah, but he's not too good. Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail."


A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bartender gave her one!


"Hey Bartender. Pour me a cold one." "Hey, go on, kid, you wanna get me in trouble?" "Maybe later; right now I just wanna beer."


I'd rather have this bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.


René Descartes was in a bar. At last call, the bartender asks him if he'd like another. Descartes says, "I think not." And he disappears.


So a five dollar bill walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey. This is a singles bar."


So a pig walks into a bar and orders 15 beers and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?" "No, I'm the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."


This fly walks into a bar and he walks up to a woman sitting at the bar and says, "I like that stool you're sitting on."


This old couple walks into the bar, and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women. And the bartender said to the wife "Doesn't it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?" "No, no, no, not really," the wife said, "I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn't mean they know how to drive."


Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "We don't serve your type in here."


Three mathematicians walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked.


Two guys were walking their dogs — one had a German Shepherd and the other had a Chihuahua. The man with the Shepherd suggested going into a bar for a drink. The other man says, "They're not going to let dogs into the bar." And the first guy says, "No? Watch this." So he puts on some dark glasses, acts like the German Shepherd is a seeing-eye dog, walks into the bar and orders a drink. And no one says anything. So the second guy takes out some dark glasses, slips them on, and walks his Chihuahua into the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry — we don't allow dogs in here." And the man says, "It's okay — it's my seeing-eye dog." The bartender laughs and says, "This Chihuahua is your seeing-eye dog?" And the guy says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"


Two ropes go into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out of here. We don't serve ropes in here." The ropes go outside and one says to the other, "I have an idea." He ties himself up, messes up his hair, and goes back in. The bartender says, "Hey. No ropes." The rope says, "I'm not a rope." The bartender says, "You're not a rope?" "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."